...but GOD CAN!

I am not a morning person!  If it were up to me, I would stay up late, sleep in until 8:00 AM, lounge in my pajamas for a couple hours and then take a mid-morning nap, but...I have a family and a job and a home, so...most mornings are much different than that.  My best days are the ones where I wake up early to work out, spend some quiet time with God and then get myself ready before my family wakes up.  In order to make that happen, my alarm goes off VERY EARLY and it is very difficult.  Until recently I would actually have to say to myself, "I can do this!"  But, a couple of weeks ago I was laying in bed telling myself, "I can do this" when I realized that I can't...I don't have the strength, but God does!  I can't do anything in this life without God.  I can't help my daughter overcome her fears, but God can!  I can't help that one student who isn't making any progress, but God can!  I can't heal all the hurting people around me and in the world, but God can! So, on the days when I feel defeated by all the sadness and hurting happening around me, on the days when I feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities, and on the days when I can't get out of bed, I will pray and trust and know that GOD CAN!!!

Bravery

For a while now I've been convinced that I should start writing again, but I wasn't sure where to start.  Over the past couple months, I have started several different blogs in my mind, but never got around to actually typing something...until today...

During much of my life, I have battled with anxiety.  When I was younger, new experiences that presented themselves were often moments where I was crippled with fear of the unknown...so much so that I often chose to keep to myself and not take any risks.  I was always afraid of getting hurt or being rejected.  As I grew up and became more independent, I realized that I needed to step into the unknown, despite my fears.  I found out that always being afraid and never putting myself out there led to a deep unhappiness.  I realized that I needed to take risks and commit to all the hard things that God was calling me to do.  I came to understand the true meaning of being brave...not letting fear hold me back from doing what I wanted to do and what I knew I should do. 

With each day that passes, I become braver and step out into the unknown a little more.  I still have anxiety when I'm about to do something for the first time or when I'm about to take a risk and I don't know how something is going to turn out, but I know in my heart that God doesn't want me to live in a bubble of fear.  He wants me to do what He is calling me to do and trust that He will be there with me through it all.  More recently, my risks have included serving at a new location for our church, leading the garden committee at our school, opening up and being honest with my colleagues about my struggles at my job and writing this blog post.  Some of those things may not seem like that big of a deal, but they have all been things that have caused me much anxiety over the past couple of months.  Despite that anxiety, I've been committed to doing the hard things, taking the risks and embracing my bravery. 

In addition to embracing my own bravery, I am committed to teaching my own children about being brave.  There have been so many times I've seen them hold back and not take a risk because of the fear of getting hurt or the fear of the unknown.  I especially see this with Leah.  She has this amazing spirit about her and she is so incredibly creative, but she has limited her experiences when she has been given a choice.  This summer, we repeatedly encouraged her to learn to ride her bike without training wheels.  She resisted over and over again until somehow we finally talked her into giving it a try.  I watched her sit on that bike with her whole body shaking in fear and then all of a sudden I watched her take off on two wheels, leaving the fear behind her.  I know it sounds silly, but it was one of the best moments of my parenting journey so far.  To me, knowing that she is learning to face her fears, step out in bravery and trust God at this age means that she (hopefully) will be open to trying many amazing opportunities and experiences as she gets older.  I want to say that I can't wait to see what God has in store for her and for Logan, but I'll try not to rush things too much...waiting and trusting in God's plan for each of them will be my next step of bravery!!!

Leah, age 6

Guilt Trip

Has anyone ever given you a guilt trip?  I am given a guilt trip on a daily basis...by myself!  I constantly feel guilty about not being a good mother, not being a good wife, not being a good friend, not doing enough around my home, not serving in my church enough, not working out enough, etc... I didn't even realize I was doing it until I was eating dinner with some friends last night.  I found myself continually talking about how guilty I felt and I also heard myself say, "That's no way to live!"  Wow...I didn't realize how heavy-hearted I had been feeling.  I came home and started reflecting on my feelings and my faith.  I started thinking about Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  They were so close to God until they started to believe the enemy's lies.  As soon as they believed the lies and sinned, they had to leave the garden and be separated from God.  I have also been believing the lies about who I am and I have been unknowingly separating myself from God.

About two summers ago, I adopted John 3:30 as my life verse (He must increase, but I must decrease.)  I've been focused on making my life more about Jesus and less about me...making my life about His desires and not my own.  I realized last night that there is another way to apply that very short (but important) verse to my life.  It's time for me to allow my joy in life to come from knowing Jesus and not from being a certain type of person.  When I am constantly thinking about how I'm not good enough, or should I say, when I am constantly believing the lies about how I am not good enough...I am still more fixated on myself than on Jesus and the joy that comes from truly knowing Him.  A few summers ago, I read a book by one of my favorite authors/speakers, Lysa Terkeurst.  In the book, I remember that she wrote, "Guilt bears no fruit."  That quote stood out to me at the time, but I'm not sure I truly understood it until today.  It's time to let go of the guilt and live in His glory!  Today, I'm feeling excited about making my life about His desires AND about allowing myself to feel the joy that comes from truly knowing my Savior! 

HE IS GREATER THAN i!

Lessons From My Children

What is the worst part of the day for you?  For me, it's the ten minutes I spend brushing/styling Leah's hair.  I've purchased and tried about five different kinds of brushes and three different kinds of detangler.  I've tried to have her stand up while I brush her hair and I've tried to have her sit down while I brush her hair.  I've tried to go super slow and I've tried to go super fast just to get it over with.  But, not matter what I've tried, she continues to scream and cry and I've continued to feel like the worst mom ever.  Some days I can remain calm until we get through it, but other times I have a difficult time keeping my negative emotions in check.  Yesterday was one of those mornings:  after the daily hair-brushing incident occurred, my anger took over and I did some yelling which was addressed to anyone and everyone in my path...not my proudest moment.  I went off to get something else done and came around the corner to hear Leah in the bathroom talking to herself.  I stopped outside the bathroom to eavesdrop and overheard this: "Dear God, Thank you for this day and thank you for my family.  I love you. Amen."  After wiping a few tears away, I went into the bathroom to give my daughter a much-needed hug!  I asked her what she was doing and she said, "I was talking to God...it's what I do when I feel stressed."  Of course!!!  Leah is four years old and she gets it...why is it that I am 37 years old and I still don't get it at times?  There are too many times where I let my anger take over and I do not react in a way that glorifies God.  There are too many times where the pressure to teach my children or the pressure to get things done seems to be a priority over my ability to let them teach me and let them help me get things done their way once in a while.  I can look back over the years and think of so many "WOW moments" where I gained a deeper understanding of faith, forgiveness, joy and love from my children.  We are far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other and I am so THANKFUL for them.  I pray that I can continue to learn lessons from them for many years to come and...that I can get Miss Leah a haircut appointment soon! 

My amazing children and my teachers!

Stirring the Sauce

I've always thought of myself as a klutz.  A day doesn't go by that I don't drop something, run into something or knock something over. My poor children have had multiple (minor) injuries from me stepping on them or bumping into them.   I have NEVER made cookies without burning at least one batch because I start doing something else and totally forget about the cookies in the oven until I smell the burning.  It wasn't until about two years ago that I realized that I'm not really a klutz or a bad baker...I simply cannot multitask. The reason I continuously run into things, drop things, burn things, etc...is because I'm rarely thinking about what I'm doing.  While I'm busy doing one thing, I'm thinking about the next thing that needs to be done.  I have trouble just being in the moment and focusing on one thing at a time.  I have trouble releasing control of my life and not worrying or planning every little thing, but I'm getting better.  The more I learn about God, the more I can release control and trust in His plan for my life.  The more I read His word and spend time with Him in prayer, the more I can keep a peaceful and eternal perspective in this chaotic world.  

One night as I was making spaghetti for my family, I was also thinking about the laundry I needed to get done, the school work that I wanted to complete, giving my daughter a bath. packing my lunch for the next day, what was on the schedule for the next day, etc... While this was a moment where I was just worrying about day to day things, there are many moments in my life when I worry about "bigger" things like money, my children (their safety, behavior, learning, salvation, health) my own health, my marriage, my friendships, etc...As I stirred the spaghetti sauce, I suddenly remembered a conversation we had in our small group about just thinking about one thing at a time and being in the moment.  We talked about how God desires for us to have peace and trust...He does not want us to waste our time worrying.   In that moment,  I put my trust in God and simply focused on stirring the sauce.  What freedom I felt!  There is freedom in releasing control and just being in the moment.  There is freedom in trusting God in all areas of my life.  There is freedom in knowing that I'm not a klutz or poor multitasker or bad baker...I am a precious, perfect child of God.  So, now when my life gets chaotic and I feel like a mess, I remind myself to simply "stir the sauce" and I feel free!

Mathew 6: 34--Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for each will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Fearless

     Did you know that one word can change your life?  The book One Word That Will Change Your Life by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton, and Jimmy Page inspires readers to make meaningful changes in their life by picking one word and applying it to their lives for one year.  At the beginning of the 2014-2015 school year, our principal challenged us to chose one word and apply it to our lives in school and outside of school.  On one of our first institute days, we watched a video and I have to admit I giggled about it and thought it was a little cheesy, but I went home and really thought and prayed about what my one word should be.  I had just started a new school year after a summer of struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety and I knew that I needed to pick a word that would inspire me to make some positive changes in my life.  I have struggled with anxiety in social situations with groups of people, particularly people I don't know very well.  I feel much more comfortable interacting with people one-on-one or when I really know people well.  I also have lots of anxiety about situations that are not planned out or structured  (I'm not very spontaneous).  As a result, I shy away from situations that cause me anxiety, but it often results in depression because I've realized that despite my anxiety I actually thrive from social interactions and relationships with other people. So, with all that in mind, I decided that I needed to work on conquering my anxiety and depression and become...FEARLESS.  So, I went back to school and announced that I was going to be fearless in the year 2014-2015.

     Then...a week later I got some news that rocked my world.  I was informed that due to low numbers of special education students in my building, I was being transferred to another school.   It might not sound like that big of a deal, but for someone who struggles with social anxiety, the idea of changing schools was slightly terrifying.  My immediate thought was to quit my job and be a stay at home mom because being with my kids never makes me feel anxious (it makes me feel all sorts of other emotions good and bad, but never anxious).  But...as I was thinking about being a stay at home mom, I was also hearing a voice in my head say, be "FEARLESS" and I realized that going to a new school was going to be my first step in a journey of becoming fearless.  So, I packed up my stuff and with sooooooo many butterflies in my stomach and so many prayers on my lips, I headed to my new school and...I survived. 

     Shortly after my transfer to a new school, I realized that I really needed to define what fearless meant to me.  I realized that being fearless, to me, meant that I was going to do what I wanted to do and what God was calling me to do, NOT what other people wanted me to do.  I also realized that I needed to figure out what I want to do.  Figuring out what I want to do doesn't sound like a difficult task, but I've spent so much of my life worrying about what others think that I didn't really know what I thought or what I wanted.  I still have a lot of work to do, but now... I know that I do thrive on social interactions and relationships with people...I know that I love music and dancing...I know that I love to make people laugh...I know that I love teaching...I know that I love encouraging others...and I know that I love to turn ordinary days into fun events with a theme. 

    I also needed to figure out what God was (and is) calling me to do on a daily basis.  This was also a difficult task that required me to read my Bible and pray, but pray by truly listening.  Through prayer and reading my Bible I now know that God wants me to put others first...I know that God wants me to be more available to my children and my husband...I know that God wants me to let go of my guilt and feel freedom in Jesus...and I know that God loves me even when I'm not fearless (yes, even though my one word is fearless, I'm not always fearless.  I still have times that I shy away from a situation that I know will make me feel anxious, but I pray and know that God loves me no matter what). 

     So...what's next?  I will be spending the summer with family and friends, building those relationships.  I will also be listening to lots of music and doing lots of dancing.  In addition, I will spend time making people laugh, teaching my children and other children, encouraging others and turning ordinary days into fun events with a theme (there has to be a theme).  I will also put others first, be more available to my children and husband, let go of my guilt and feel freedom in my relationship with Jesus.  I also recognize that I need to continue to read my Bible and pray so that God can guide me every day.  And, in the Fall, I will start a new teaching job at a new school...a school that is close to my home and close to my heart...a school that will allow me to be more available to my family...a blessing straight from God!  When I let go of my fear and my guilt for feeling that fear, I can recognize all the blessings from God that surround me on a daily basis...so many blessings.

     I know that fearless is not just a one-year-word for me...fearless is going to be a lifetime-word for me, but I'm ready...

Epic Fail

Most people have a morning routine.  My morning routine (during the week) looks something like this:  My alarm goes off at 4:30 AM and I immediately push "Snooze".  I talk to God and thank Him for another day and I ask Him for strength.  I then spend the next five to ten minutes trying to talk myself into getting up to work out.  Sometimes I get up and reset my alarm for 5:15...sometimes I get up and work out.  Then, I get ready and while I'm getting myself ready, I think about all the things I am going to accomplish that day (I am going to be a loving wife who spends quality time with my husband.  I am going to be a patient and loving mommy who doesn't yell at her children or let them watch too much T.V.  I am going to get to work on time.  I am going to finally make a breakthrough with that one student and he is going to follow expectations all day long and thank me at the end of the day for all I have done for him :)  I am going to take time to eat lunch with my friends [or just take time to eat lunch].  I am going to pick my children up early enough to get home and make a healthy dinner, give baths, finish laundry and still do an hour or two of paperwork for school the next day.)  Then, I wake my children up and we spend the next hour scrambling to get out of the door on time and my day NEVER goes as I had planned it in my mind and it has become an epic fail!  Some days come pretty close to the plan, but some days (like today) don't come close at all.  Today, I was supposed to joyfully drop my children off at school/daycare, attend a faculty meeting, be the best teacher I could be and get caught up on paperwork this afternoon because I didn't have any meetings scheduled, go grocery shopping and then relax at home in the evening.  But...when I went to get my daughter out of her crib this morning I could tell right away that she had a fever and an awful, raspy cough.  My first thought was not, "Poor baby...I'm so sorry you are sick."  My first thought was, "I don't have time for this today." and "I can't miss ANOTHER day of work."  I had a little fit and then I began making a new plan in my mind.  And an hour later, I had to make another new plan.  And a half hour later, I had to make another new plan.  And, I could let the cycle continue all day long...I could keep making plans and keep changing them, or...I could just take a deep breath and ask God to reveal His plan for my day.  His plan looks something like this:  look at the situation that is in front of you right in this moment, thank me for it and glorify me through it.  WOW...that is much simpler than my plan(s) for my day and much more doable. The truth is, I don't have any control over anything in this world and when I really think about that...it is actually a relief.  I'm not in control, but my Creator, my Savior, my Lord IS in control.  I don't need to accomplish all the things I think I need to accomplish each day in this world because He has overcome this world.  I may be failing on a daily basis to be everything to everyone all the time, but I am never a failure in God's eyes!  So...right now I see a little sick girl in front of me and I'm going to thank God for her and glorify Him by showing her His great love...an epic success!!!