Fearless

     Did you know that one word can change your life?  The book One Word That Will Change Your Life by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton, and Jimmy Page inspires readers to make meaningful changes in their life by picking one word and applying it to their lives for one year.  At the beginning of the 2014-2015 school year, our principal challenged us to chose one word and apply it to our lives in school and outside of school.  On one of our first institute days, we watched a video and I have to admit I giggled about it and thought it was a little cheesy, but I went home and really thought and prayed about what my one word should be.  I had just started a new school year after a summer of struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety and I knew that I needed to pick a word that would inspire me to make some positive changes in my life.  I have struggled with anxiety in social situations with groups of people, particularly people I don't know very well.  I feel much more comfortable interacting with people one-on-one or when I really know people well.  I also have lots of anxiety about situations that are not planned out or structured  (I'm not very spontaneous).  As a result, I shy away from situations that cause me anxiety, but it often results in depression because I've realized that despite my anxiety I actually thrive from social interactions and relationships with other people. So, with all that in mind, I decided that I needed to work on conquering my anxiety and depression and become...FEARLESS.  So, I went back to school and announced that I was going to be fearless in the year 2014-2015.

     Then...a week later I got some news that rocked my world.  I was informed that due to low numbers of special education students in my building, I was being transferred to another school.   It might not sound like that big of a deal, but for someone who struggles with social anxiety, the idea of changing schools was slightly terrifying.  My immediate thought was to quit my job and be a stay at home mom because being with my kids never makes me feel anxious (it makes me feel all sorts of other emotions good and bad, but never anxious).  But...as I was thinking about being a stay at home mom, I was also hearing a voice in my head say, be "FEARLESS" and I realized that going to a new school was going to be my first step in a journey of becoming fearless.  So, I packed up my stuff and with sooooooo many butterflies in my stomach and so many prayers on my lips, I headed to my new school and...I survived. 

     Shortly after my transfer to a new school, I realized that I really needed to define what fearless meant to me.  I realized that being fearless, to me, meant that I was going to do what I wanted to do and what God was calling me to do, NOT what other people wanted me to do.  I also realized that I needed to figure out what I want to do.  Figuring out what I want to do doesn't sound like a difficult task, but I've spent so much of my life worrying about what others think that I didn't really know what I thought or what I wanted.  I still have a lot of work to do, but now... I know that I do thrive on social interactions and relationships with people...I know that I love music and dancing...I know that I love to make people laugh...I know that I love teaching...I know that I love encouraging others...and I know that I love to turn ordinary days into fun events with a theme. 

    I also needed to figure out what God was (and is) calling me to do on a daily basis.  This was also a difficult task that required me to read my Bible and pray, but pray by truly listening.  Through prayer and reading my Bible I now know that God wants me to put others first...I know that God wants me to be more available to my children and my husband...I know that God wants me to let go of my guilt and feel freedom in Jesus...and I know that God loves me even when I'm not fearless (yes, even though my one word is fearless, I'm not always fearless.  I still have times that I shy away from a situation that I know will make me feel anxious, but I pray and know that God loves me no matter what). 

     So...what's next?  I will be spending the summer with family and friends, building those relationships.  I will also be listening to lots of music and doing lots of dancing.  In addition, I will spend time making people laugh, teaching my children and other children, encouraging others and turning ordinary days into fun events with a theme (there has to be a theme).  I will also put others first, be more available to my children and husband, let go of my guilt and feel freedom in my relationship with Jesus.  I also recognize that I need to continue to read my Bible and pray so that God can guide me every day.  And, in the Fall, I will start a new teaching job at a new school...a school that is close to my home and close to my heart...a school that will allow me to be more available to my family...a blessing straight from God!  When I let go of my fear and my guilt for feeling that fear, I can recognize all the blessings from God that surround me on a daily basis...so many blessings.

     I know that fearless is not just a one-year-word for me...fearless is going to be a lifetime-word for me, but I'm ready...