The Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened to You

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?  Would you like to go back in time and change that part of your life or would you keep that part of your life the same because it changed you for the better?

Today, in church, the pastor said that often the worst thing that has ever happened to you can actually be the best thing that has ever happened to you....WHAT?!?!?  How can that be?  The sermon was about Rachel and Leah and their tragic love story of being married to the same man and being in a constant competition with each other.  The pastor said that the marriage between Rachel, Leah and Jacob was probably the worst thing that happened to each of them, BUT great things came out of this marriage...their children.  Their children went on to do great things and their children's children went on to do great things and so on and so on.  A terrible situation brought about great things because God always has a plan for us. 

I began thinking about the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it would have to be the death of my mother.  My mother passed away, after a long battle with cancer, when I was 26 years old.  She was my best friend, my counselor, my personal cheerleader, my teacher and my role model.  She was all those things to me and then she was gone.  She was not at my wedding and she was not there when my children were born.  My children will never get to sit on grandma's lap, get spoiled by grandma or bake cookies with grandma (just kidding, if you knew my mom...she was definitely not a baker, but I know she would have tried for my kids).  They will not know my mom in this lifetime.  [On a side note, my children are extremely blessed to have an amazing grandma in Jesse's mom and I thank God for her and her strong relationship with them.]  So, I guess you could say that the worst thing that has ever happened to me would be the death of my mother.  Could it also be the best thing that has ever happened to me?  The answer is YES!  Like I said, she was my best friend, my counselor, my personal cheerleader, my teacher and my role model.  She was "my person".  She was the first person I turned to when I needed to talk about anything...good or bad.  Even when she was extremely ill, she was always there for me.  She never let me down and she loved me unconditionally.  Then, she was gone and I didn't have "my person".  I didn't have "my person" to be my best friend, to lift me up and encourage me, to counsel me, to teach me and to love me unconditionally.  For a while after she died, I was lost.  Eventually, I found someone who could do all the things that she did for me and could do even more...GOD!  God became "my person"...He is always there for me and He loves me unconditionally.  And, I have learned to love Him too...not just for what He does for me, but for who He is.  My relationship with God is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me!  The worst thing that has ever happened to me resulted in the best thing that has ever happened to me.  My mother's death was, and still is, extremely painful, but it has forever changed me for the better.  So...what is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Would you like to go back in time and change that part of your life or would you keep that part of your life the same because it changed you for the better?

[On another side note, I hope I have not hurt anyone by posting this blog entry.  I really struggled with whether or not to post this entry because I was afraid that it would hurt some people.  I know that my mother's death and illness affected many people.  When my mother died, many people lost a great friend and someone they loved deeply.  Also, my mother suffered for many years and I'm not saying that the purpose of her suffering and death was so that I could grow closer to God.  Only God knows the purpose for her death!  I just know that there was something positive that did come out of her death...a stronger relationship between God and myself.]

Typos

It has been a long time since I have posted.  It has been so long, in fact, that I decided to go back and reread previous posts because I couldn't remember what I had written.  As I read, I was shocked by the number of typos/mistakes that I found.  I was so shocked because I really dislike typos (I think it's the teacher in me) and I know I had proofread those entries at least five times each.  Actually, I proofread anything I write (even my text messages) because I really dislike typos.  I almost went back into each blog entry and corrected my typos/mistakes, but then I stopped myself and began wondering how I could have possibly published those blog entries with so many mistakes when I proofread each entry at least five times.  I realized that I had been so caught up in my thoughts that I wasn't able to think clearly about spelling and grammar.  I began to think about times in my life when I was so caught up in my current situation and how it was so hard to see clearly.  There have been so many times that I have been in the middle of a struggle and I have been unable to really think clearly about things.  On a daily basis, I struggle with life.  I have small struggles, medium-sized struggles and really big struggles.  Through the really big struggles, I have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I have trouble understanding God's purpose for the struggle.  I focus on the pain, frustration, anger, hurt, loneliness, etc... that I might be feeling at that moment instead of focusing on God's plan for me with that particular struggle.  In the midst of the struggle, I don't think clearly!  When the suffering finally goes away, I can see clearly.  I can see that that particular struggle was actually a blessing...a blessing that brought me to my knees...a blessing that changed my relationship with my Father...a blessing that brought me closer to Him.  I wouldn't have the relationship with God that I have today if it weren't for the suffering that I have endured.  The daily struggles that bring me to my knees have a purpose and the purpose is not to think about how I could have done things differently to avoid suffering and have a perfect life...the purpose is to grow closer to God.  So, I have decided that I will not go back and correct my typos/mistakes and have perfect blog entries.  Instead, I will leave them be and use the time it would have taken me to fix the mistakes to praise God and thank Him for all He has given me!

Strength

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.-Philippians 4:13

People used to say that I was a strong person. I think they watched me as I lived with my mother, my best friend, fighting cancer for seven years and then pass away in 2005. They saw me "keep it together" on the outside. The truth is, I may have seemed strong on the outside, but I was a mess on the inside. For years, I battled depression and I made poor choices in an attempt to win the battle. I had meltdowns on a daily basis and I begged God to make my life easier. Now, seven years later, I have all new struggles...raising two children, balancing work and family life, losing weight, being a Godly wife, being responsible with finances, taking care of a home, etc... Within the last year, I realized that these struggles are actually blessings that force me to grow in my faith and lean on God. I quit praying for God to change my children, to make my workload lighter, to take away the extra weight I carry around, to change my husband, to help me win the lottery, etc... I have learned to ask God to give me the strength I need to be the mother He wants me to be, to make the right choices when it comes to balancing my work and my family life, to make good food choices and to exercise, to be the wife He wants me to be, to make good choices with my money, etc...

My daughter is six weeks old today and people keep asking me how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, and my response up until now has been, "It's much easier the second time around.", but who am I kidding? Parenting is not easy! The truth is, it's not easier this time around, it's just as hard and I have been surprised every day that goes by that I don't have a curl-up-in-my-bed-and-cry-myself-to-sleep-meltdown like I used to have until the other day when I looked down at my right hand and read the Bible verse that is on a ring that a wear every day: I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.-Phil. 4:13. I realized why I'm not having meltdowns and why things seem easier. I have been asking God for strength and He has been answering my prayers over and over again. So, from now on, when people ask me how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, I will say..."STRONG!"

The End is Near, But It's Just the Beginning!

Well, I made it...almost! I'm 38 weeks pregnant and about to give birth any day now and man, am I ready! People keep saying, "I can't believe how quickly it has gone by!" And I keep saying, "Are you crazy...it feels like I have been pregnant FOREVER!" People laugh and think I'm exaggerating, but it really feels like I've been pregnant forever...I can't remember what it feels like to not be pregnant. At my last doctor's appointment (a week ago) I was told that I'm already 3 centimeters dilated and 90% effaced and that I would probably have this baby within the week. I spent the next 48 hours frantically preparing things at school for my abrupt departure. After that 48 hours, all I could think was "I'm ready! Let's get this show on the road." After the next 48 hours and still no baby, all I could think was "I'm angry...I want to meet my daughter and I want to meet her now!" Every contraction and pain brought hope, but every time it wasn't followed by more contractions and more pain I felt defeated (ironic, huh?). This last 48 hours has been filled with acceptance and new understanding. My way and my plan is not necessarily God's way and God's plan and that's okay. In fact, that is better than okay...it's AWESOME! God has a plan for this child...He has had a plan for her long before I even had a plan for her and I am just blessed to be a part of it. This morning, I just finished reading Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas. I have been reading this book for a long time because during my pregnancy every time I tried to sit down and read I would fall asleep. But, I finally finished it this morning and the timing was perfect. Gary Thomas ends the book by enforcing the idea that our children are not our children...they are God's children. What an amazing gift! How selfish it was of me to expect that gift earlier than He is wanting to give it to me. I would never go up to a friend a week or two before my birthday and say, "Okay, I'm ready for you to give me my birthday gift and if you don't give it to me right now, I'm going to throw a fit!" Which is exactly what I had been doing all weekend...throwing a fit in my mind. I'm still desperate to be done being pregnant and to begin my next journey, but I'm accepting God's plan for His daughter and waiting for the moment when he tells me He needs me to step up and accept my calling, my "sacred calling" of being a parent!

The Best Christmas Gift a Mom Could Ask For

One of the best things about being a teacher is all the days off: 3 months during the summer, 2 weeks at Christmas time, Spring break and all the holidays in between. So, I was very excited about starting my 2-week break from work until I found out I had to spend the first day of my vacation at the hospital getting lab work done. Fortunately, I was able to drop Logan off at daycare and I headed to the hospital at 8:00 in the morning for what was going to be a 3-hour procedure. A week earlier, I had failed my initial glucose screening that tests for Gestational Diabetes and I was ordered by my doctor to fast overnight, drink this really awful tasting drink and then have my blood taken 4 times within a 3-hour period (pure torture for a pregnant lady!). I tried to look at the positive aspects of the experience...3 hours all to myself, time to read my book and get some school work done, time to people watch :) and time to relax and enjoy the live Christmas musibeing played on the piano in the lobby of the hospital, but the longer I sat there, the grumpier I got. I was nauseous and hungry and tired and cold...I just wanted the whole thing to be done so I could go home and eat something and take a nap. At about 2 1/2 hours into the procedure, I heard a noise that would have made me very uncomfortable in the past...a newborn baby crying. In the past, hearing the sound of a newborn baby crying made me uncomfortable because I just knew that that poor mom must be exhausted and frustrated, but on that day, the first thing I did when I heard that baby crying was smile. I even surprised myself how comfortable I felt with that sound coming from the other side of the waiting room. All I could think about was how lucky she was to have that baby and what a blessing that baby must be to her family. And, then I thought about my own family and how lucky and blessed we are to be expecting this baby girl. During this entire pregnancy, I have had this feeling that something is wrong with the baby. I think it is partly because I am a special education teacher and I'm surrounded by kids that have disabilities and I can't help but think about all the things that could be "wrong" with this child. But, hearing that baby cry and feeling myself smile, reminded me that it doesn't matter what this child looks like, acts like or thinks like...this child is a child created by God and it is my job to glorify God through the parenting process. I feel so blessed to have this job! After all this realization in a hospital waiting room, I went in for my final blood draw and was greeted by a different nurse than the one who had been taking my blood earlier in the day (I soon found out that she was put there to take my blood for a reason). Somehow she started telling me about her grand kids...she has two older grand kids (in their teens) and twins who are 9 years old. One of the older grand kids is deaf and one of the twins has cerebral palsy. The nurse went on to tell me that her daughter had had the two older children and was finished having children and so she had decided to have her tubes tied, but when she went in for the procedure she found out she was pregnant instead...with twins!!!! The doctors had told her that the twin daughter with cerebral palsy would never walk or talk, but she does both just fine and she actually gets better grades in school than her twin brother. What an amazing gift God had given that family! I walked out of that hospital with a different attitude...not because I had some time to myself, not because I had gotten a bunch of school work finished, not because I finished my book I was reading and not because of the beautiful holiday music. I walked out of that hospital with a different attitude because I felt so blessed to be a parent and I was bubbling over with excitement about meeting my baby girl in a few months...the best Christmas present I could ever ask for!

(By the way, I passed my glucose test with flying colors...phew! I also had an ultrasound and doctor's appointment yesterday and baby girl is doing great!)

We're Going on a Bear Hunt

On my son's first Christmas, I gave him the book We're Going on a Bear Hunt. In the back of the book, I wrote the following message:

Logan,
Life will bring challenges that you can't go over and you can't to under...you'll have to go through them. Just know that if you believe in yourself like I believe in you and you have faith in God, you will get through anything and you will come out on the other side even stronger.

I love you!
~Mom

We're Going on a Bear Hunt is a children's book about a family who decides to go on a bear hunt. Along the way they come up against "long, wavy grass", "a deep, cold river", "thick, oozy mud", "a big, dark forest", "a swirling, whirling snowstorm", "a narrow, gloomy cave" and at last, the actual bear that they had been hunting. With each challenge that the family comes up against, they say, "We can't go over it. We can't go under it. Oh, no! We've got to go through it!"

After having a conversation with a co-worker today, the Holy Spirit prompted me to remember the book We're Going on a Bear Hunt and the message that I wrote to my son several years ago. As I face challenges in life, I often want to complain to someone else, find an easy way out, get angry or just feel sorry for myself. One of my biggest challenges more recently has been managing my large and demanding caseload at work. I have complained. I have tried to find an easy way out. I have gotten very angry and I have spent plenty of time feeling sorry for myself...until a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago I decided to embrace my challenge. I decided to just go through it! I have been given this challenge so that I can go through it, completely "lean on God" and come out on the other side stronger in my own faith and shining my light on all those around me.

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.--Philippians 4:13

Lord, I Need You

"When I cannot stand, I'll fall on You. Jesus, You're my hope and stay."-Chris Tomlin

So much of my spiritual journey is a result of God working through music. My radio station has been "stuck" on 91.5, WCIC (the local Christian radio station) for about five years. I listen to it every morning on the way to work and every afternoon on the way home. I listen to it every Sunday on the way to church and every time I take a trip to the store, bank, library, mall, etc... I even listen to WCIC when I'm working by myself in my classroom at school. I can't even count the number of times the perfect song has come on the radio at the perfect time...quieting my mind and comforting my heart. Many times, I listen to a song on the radio and then get home and promptly download it to my I-Pod so I can listen to it over and over. One song that I listen to over and over is "Lord, I Need You" by Chris Tomlin. The lyrics are perfect any day and any time. My understanding of how much I truly need God has been so limited until the last year. I truly do see how I completely "fall apart" when I turn my eyes away from God and how God is my "one defense" (my one and only defense). In fact, I look back on so much of my life and I see how I was truly miserable because I didn't keep my eyes focused on God and I tried to solve all my problems by myself. I "fell apart" on a daily basis! Back then, even when I asked God for help, I didn't completely trust God. NOW, I pray and trust God (even though I don't always understand why things are the way they are) and I ask the Holy Spirit to guide me through my day to day decisions ("every hour"). And, I am no longer miserable...I am free!!!