Thankful

    Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and I've had the pleasure of reading all the many things that people are thankful for on their Facebook posts.  I've decided to throw my hat in the ring :)

Here goes...

~I am thankful for a husband who is just a man (a great man, but just a man) because I know a God that provides for my every need and loves me completely.

~I am thankful for two amazing children who wear me down every single day because I know a God that lifts me up and always carries me.

~I am thankful for a job that's demands go beyond what I am capable of accomplishing on my own strength because I know a God that strengthens me and fills me with the same power that rose Jesus from the dead.

~I am thankful for friends and people in my life who are very different from me because I know a God that sent a savior to save ALL of us no matter how much we have in common.

~I am thankful for a body that gets broken, sick and tired because I know a God that heals and sustains me!

~And I am thankful for my chaotic crazy life that brings me to my knees on a daily basis because I know a God that I can cry out to and who is in control of everything!

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Back to School Blues

It all started about two weeks ago:  I began sleeping in late instead of waking up early to work out, I quit taking the kids out to play and instead hunkered down on the couch to watch T.V. while they played around me and I started picking fights with Jesse.  I realized at the end of last week that I was depressed and thought that my hormones were in full effect!  I thought to myself that this week would be better and I would start to feel like myself again, but this week has been even worse.  I have spent most of this week in my pajamas, eating lots of junk food and just feeling lousy.  It finally occurred to me that I had the "back to school blues".  At first I thought I was having anxiety about the job itself.  After all, teaching is not easy.  It is filled with challenges on a daily basis and as the years go on the challenges seem to get more and more, well, challenging.  So....I prayed and read scripture about anxiety and worry and not being afraid and I prayed some more and I felt better, but each time it was only temporary.  It wasn't until today that I realized the REAL reason for my depression.  I realized it while I was still wearing my pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon, having not showered since Tuesday morning (Ick!) and after consuming way too much sugar.  I had decided to get up off the couch and pick up the toys scattered around my living and dining rooms.  As I picked up the toys, I suddenly began to sob because I realized that the real reason I had been so sad was because I have spent the last two and half months with the most amazing kids and I am going to miss them like crazy.  I realized how much I complain and make jokes about my children when people ask my how my summer is going (I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable, just like my favorite character on Friends...Chandler).  I make jokes about my daughter who destroys everything, thinks it is funny when I'm mad at her and screams louder than anyone I have ever heard before, but I rarely talk about how incredibly sweet she is, how she gives the best hugs and kisses with a full on pucker and how she smiles constantly (unless I'm trying to take her picture and then she just gives me the deer in headlights look).  I make jokes about my son who is so slow to do anything, asks question after question after question and picks fights with his sister, but I rarely talk about how incredibly smart and insightful he is and how he has an amazing sense of humor.  I make jokes about how much I dislike picking up their toys, doing their laundry and making/cleaning up their meals, but I rarely talk about how those things are tiny inconveniences that come along with these great, big miracles in my life.  I make jokes about being happy to "get rid of them" for the school year, but it's just because I feel incredibly vulnerable about sharing them with others.  My kids are both very social and love being with other children, so I don't feel guilty about taking them to daycare/preschool...they truly enjoy it!  I also feel that I have been called by God to be a teacher and feel blessed to have a job where I can work with children, no matter how challenging it can be.  BUT...I feel vulnerable and sad about sharing these amazing children with other people....people who will love them and care for them, but won't ever truly love them the way I do....oh, it breaks my heart a little.  But, the good news is that I'm feeling better.  First of all, I took a shower (my husband will be so glad!).  Secondly, I sat down to write this blog entry and writing always makes me feel better.  But the thing that really made me feel better was a conversation I had with Logan.  I started to cry and tell him how sad I was because I was going to miss him so much when I went back to work and he just looked at me and said, "But, you are not at work now so you don't have to be sad." (Didn't I tell you he was insightful?!?!)  So...I will not let the "back to school blues" get me down anymore.  I will cherish every moment with my children and every moment without my children because they are all blessings straight from God and there is NOTHING depressing about that!

I'm an Imperfect Mom and That's Okay!

Last weekend I attended the National Hearts at Home conference. The conference itself is always amazing, but this year the theme was "No More Perfect Moms" based on Jill Savage's book by the same title.  I wept as she spoke on the topic.  She talked about how we are imperfect, but we are being perfected.  She spoke about the freedom that comes with embracing our imperfections and being honest about who we are opposed to being imprisoned by the persona of being "perfect".  Jill lovingly described motherhood as the "ministry of interruptions" and how we, as mothers, need to expect the interruptions and then we won't be disappointed or upset when things don't turn out the way we want them to (in fact, I've been interrupted approximately 10 times since I began typing this blog entry).  At the conference, Jill Savage went on to share personal imperfections about her own life and family.  Finally, she addressed the fact that social media perpetuates the desire to be "perfect" because we constantly compare ourselves to other people's families based on their happy Facebook statuses and perfect family pictures.  I found myself thinking about all the times I have cropped out my messy kitchen in the background of a picture of my kids or typed and then deleted and retyped a Facebook status so it sounded just right.  I thought about all of my imperfect mom moments and decided that it's time to get real and embrace my imperfections with all of you.  So, I have compiled some, but definitely not all, of my imperfect mom moments:

 1.  Last week, as I was cutting raspberries for Leah's breakfast, I cut her finger.  I didn't realize how bad it was until about 20 minutes later when we were both covered in blood.
2.  When Logan was a baby, he fell down the stairs and fell off my bed when I wasn't supervising him as closely as I should have been.
3.  I have bonked my children's heads on so many door frames as I have carried them around the house, always in a hurry and always trying to do too much at once.
4.  There are days when Logan watches way too much T.V. and spends way too much time on the iPad playing games.
5.  One night a few weeks ago, Jesse was gone and I was home alone with the kids.  I put Leah to bed and sat down to watch T.V.  I was about to head to bed myself when I remembered that Logan was in the basement watching T.V. and I forgot to put him to bed.
6.  When Leah was about 3 weeks old, I drove from the park to my house with Leah in her car seat, but not strapped in.
7.  I think Logan has probably gone up to 5 days without taking a bath before.
8.  I didn't breastfeed either of my children for as long as I wanted to breastfeed them because it was simply too hard while I was working.
9.  We turned Logan's car seat around to face forward before his first birthday.
10.  I didn't take Logan anywhere in public unless I had to from the age of 18 months to 2 1/2 because I was afraid he would have a meltdown.
11.  One day I told Logan to "leave me alone".  (He responded with : "You leave ME alone!")
12.  Multiple times I have told the children to be quiet so I can hear a T.V. show that I'm watching at the moment.
13.  I have taken Leah to daycare in her P.J.s.
14.  Logan has a diagnosis that causes his eyes to cross unless he is wearing his bifocal glasses and I have no idea what the name of it is...I think it starts with an "e"???
15.  I have watched things that I shouldn't watch on T.V. in front of my children. (Logan can hum the theme song to "How I Met Your Mother")
16.  There have been way too many nights of eating McDonalds or frozen pizza for dinner.
17.  I have hid candy and other junk food from my kids...not because I don't want them to eat something unhealthy, but because I don't want to share with them.
18.  Jesse and I didn't buy Logan any presents for his first birthday...we decided to spend our money on a trip to Mexico instead and we knew he wouldn't know any better.
19.  Sometimes I yell and yell and  yell some more, even when I know how ridiculous I sound, I just can't help myself.
20.  Sometimes, I fantasize about not having children.
21.  Maybe worst of all, I have judged other mothers for many of the above things.

There are many more, but some things I will keep just between me and God.

Now, I know some of you are thinking that I'm too hard on myself and some of you are thinking about calling DCFS, but please don't :)    Actually, I hope you had a laugh while you read some of them...I definitely had a laugh while I typed some of them.  I don't feel guilty about any of these things.  I just feel like I'm imperfect and that's okay.  It's okay because I'm being perfected and I am learning from my mistakes.  And, I have decided that my "perfect" moments definitely outweigh my imperfect moments:  our many dance parties, many moments snuggling, hugging and kissing, moments laughing so hard with my children that we cry, moments reading books together and playing games and moments of teaching them how to do something new.  I will never be "perfect" in my eyes or the eyes of the public, but I'm pretty sure I'm "perfect" in the eyes of my children...I can tell by their many smiles!  And, even when I'm not sure about how they feel about me, there are moments when they tell me (or, at least, Logan tells me, but I'm pretty sure Leah will when she learns to talk).  Not too long ago, I had a very hormonal day and I yelled all day long.  I was feeling pretty bad about it.  At bed time, I cried and apologized to Logan.  I asked him to forgive me and without hesitation he said, "Yes, I forgive you!"  I asked him how he could forgive me so quickly and he said, "Because I love you so much!"  I immediately thought about how God loves me so much and forgives me so quickly even though I don't deserve it.  The lessons I learn from my children go much deeper than learning how to be a better mother...I am learning about the love of Christ...a love that really is perfect! 

I am currently on Spring Break from school and despite the snow on the ground, the colds that my children have and the fact that my house is filthy, this has been the best few days because I'm embracing my imperfections and having fun, which actually makes it pretty "perfect"!

Perfect cuteness!

Imperfect kitchen (including the overflowing trash can that contains an empty cookie dough wrapper that I ate raw.)

Perfect love!

Imperfect stairs always covered with things to carry upstairs, but mostly I just step over them.

Perfect fun at the bowling ally with Aunt Kate!

Imperfect mess from the laundry basket full of clean towels that was never put away.

Perfect smiles?

Imperfect bathroom that didn't get cleaned up before I left for work in the morning.

Perfect moment caught on camera!

Imperfect bedroom garbage can overflowing with smelly pull-ups!

Another picture of the imperfect kitchen...it looks like this at least once a day!

Perfect strike!

Imperfect morning hair and face without make-up!

Defriended

I found out a couple weeks ago that I have been "defriended" by some people on Facebook because of my Christian beliefs.  At first I was very hurt and saddened by this.  These people are people that I was very close to at one time in my life.  These are people that I thought I would still be close to if I lived near them.  It was no surprise to me that they didn't believe in the same things that I believed, but it was a surprise to me that they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore because of it.  I have never meant to offend or hurt anyone, I just feel called to share the incredible love I have found in Jesus Christ.  I don't judge people who are different than me, I just love them.  I am surrounded by people everyday who are very different than me and I don't always understand why they do what they do, but I still love them and I learn from them.  Being surrounded by people who are different than me helps me to grow as a person.  So, please don't "defriend" me just because you disagree with me.  I accepted your friend request because I enjoy reading your status updates and seeing pictures of you and your family.  I have grown as a person because of you...I have learned to appreciate new things because of you...I have smiled and laughed because of you.  Thank you for being you! I love you!

Jesus Chair

What causes you to feel anxiety or fear?  For me, it is public speaking.  I can sit down and write and write and write, but the moment I have to share something out loud, with a group of people, I stumble over my words, my voice shakes and my palms sweat.  I've heard that it is a common fear among Americans.  Unfortunately, I often have to face my fear on the job.  A big part of my job is sitting in meetings and sharing information about students with parents and colleagues.  So, when I look at my calendar and see an upcoming meeting, I begin to have lots of anxiety.  Days before the meeting, my nerves will begin to affect how I react to my husband and children...I will be cranky and "on edge".  And, shortly before the meeting, I will feel the butterflies in my stomach.  So, one day when I read my daily devotional book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, and she addressed the issue of anxiety, I felt like she was speaking directly to me.  She mentioned envisioning anxiety-provoking events and picturing Jesus being the center of those events.  Picture Him right there in the midst of your fearful circumstance....picture Him sitting next to you...picture Him holding your hand...picture Him holding you up!  He is there...always has been and always will be!  Today, I was speaking with a friend about her anxiety and some upcoming meetings for her job.  I was sharing Sarah Young's wise words about anxiety and picturing Jesus in those meetings.  She told me that she was going to leave a chair empty at the meeting table and reserve it for Jesus.  What a cool idea!  I think I might start doing the same thing and not just at work...in my home, in my car...wherever I go, I will reserve a seat for Jesus and I will make him the center of my anxiety-provoking event.  Because he will be sitting in his "Jesus Chair", I will not stumble over my words, my voice will not shake, my palms will not sweat and I will not fear!

What's New with the Bowmans?

At least once a day my kids do something that makes me reach for my camera to record it in a video or picture.  The other day I tried to take a picture and my camera said, "Memory Card Full"...a polite reminder to upload some pictures and update my blog :)  So, here's what's new with us:

Leah:

Oh my!  She is so sweet, but so sassy!  She is constantly on the go.  She crawls all over and she is into everything.  Leah loves to laugh, squeal and "talk".  She loves her taggy blanket and she sucks her thumb to calm herself down and fall asleep (just like her brother).  She smiles CONSTANTLY! We love her so much and we can't wait to see how she develops.

Logan: 

Logan just turned 4 and he loves to inform us of that fact. Over the summer we noticed that he was crossing his eyes when looking at things close up.  We took him to the eye doctor and we were informed of the fact that he is far-sighted.  He has been wearing glasses for about a month now and we are only on the second pair (Can you sense my sarcasm?).  He loves going to daycare and church to play with friends.  His teacher at church thinks he is going to be a preacher when he grows up and I believe it.  He loves reading his Bible and last week he said he wanted to ride in a rocket ship to go to Heaven to meet Jesus.  He also loves playing games, reading books, and playing with trains and cars.  He has a great sense of humor and he makes us laugh on a daily basis.  He also loves his sister and loves to make her laugh.  Sometimes I look at him and I wonder to myself, "Who is this little boy?  It seems like just yesterday that he was a baby!"  I couldn't ask for a better son!

Jesse:

Jesse is busy, busy, busy!  In April, he was promoted to manager of the service department at the dealership where he works.  He is also very busy playing the drums in his band, Last Call.  They have been playing in and around our town three or four times a month.  He also serves at church by playing the drums with the worship team a couple times a month.  We have season tickets to University of Illinois football again this year and Jesse has been to several games.  He is still an Illini fan despite their terrible performance this year.  He LOVES his children and they light up when they see him.  He is an incredible father and we are all blessed to have him in our lives.

Erin:

I have also been quite busy with work, small group and just keeping up with my kids and home.  I am enjoying my job and some extra responsibilities this year.  I often feel like I go to work to get a break :) The kids keep me busy and I'm usually worn out by lunch time on days when I am with them all day, but I love them more than words and I am honored to be their mother.  I have been blessed with an amazing small group at church and I love getting together with them and growing together with them.  I don't get to spend nearly enough time with Jesse, but I guess that makes our time together even more special.  I have enjoyed going to football games with him this year, but some of my favorite moments are spent sitting on the couch with him and watching something on TV that makes both of us laugh.  I feel incredibly blessed and...

LIFE IS GOOD!

Logan, Ryder (cousin) and Leah with Grandma Bowman

Logan and Ryder making play dough cookies

Leah likes chicken legs!

Silly Spiderman (thanks to Shelly, Logan and Leah's daycare provider)

Leah is a daddy's girl

Logan's 4th birthday celebration at the pumpkin patch (with Ryder and friend, Chloe)

Cowboy Logan

Logan and Ryder are BFFs

Fun with leaves

Watchin' TV in his "tent"

Carving pumpkins with Grandpa Myers

Logan's creations

Enjoying a visit from Auntie Sue and...

...auntie Jackie

Leah was Eeyore for Halloween

Logan was a pirate for Halloween

4th of July weekend fun with Ryder

Hangin' with grandpa

Reading books together

My favorite kiddos

Logan driving the Batmobile with Grandma Bowman

Our first Illini game

Tailgating fun with Lesley

Picture time at half-time

Silly kids!

The Bowmans (on my birthday at the White Oak Winery)

Future drummer!

She knows what to do when she sees the camera...CHEESE!

Tailgating at the Illinois game

Love this guy!

Tailgating fun!

All dressed up for church

Leah really needs a haircut!

The Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened to You

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?  Would you like to go back in time and change that part of your life or would you keep that part of your life the same because it changed you for the better?

Today, in church, the pastor said that often the worst thing that has ever happened to you can actually be the best thing that has ever happened to you....WHAT?!?!?  How can that be?  The sermon was about Rachel and Leah and their tragic love story of being married to the same man and being in a constant competition with each other.  The pastor said that the marriage between Rachel, Leah and Jacob was probably the worst thing that happened to each of them, BUT great things came out of this marriage...their children.  Their children went on to do great things and their children's children went on to do great things and so on and so on.  A terrible situation brought about great things because God always has a plan for us. 

I began thinking about the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it would have to be the death of my mother.  My mother passed away, after a long battle with cancer, when I was 26 years old.  She was my best friend, my counselor, my personal cheerleader, my teacher and my role model.  She was all those things to me and then she was gone.  She was not at my wedding and she was not there when my children were born.  My children will never get to sit on grandma's lap, get spoiled by grandma or bake cookies with grandma (just kidding, if you knew my mom...she was definitely not a baker, but I know she would have tried for my kids).  They will not know my mom in this lifetime.  [On a side note, my children are extremely blessed to have an amazing grandma in Jesse's mom and I thank God for her and her strong relationship with them.]  So, I guess you could say that the worst thing that has ever happened to me would be the death of my mother.  Could it also be the best thing that has ever happened to me?  The answer is YES!  Like I said, she was my best friend, my counselor, my personal cheerleader, my teacher and my role model.  She was "my person".  She was the first person I turned to when I needed to talk about anything...good or bad.  Even when she was extremely ill, she was always there for me.  She never let me down and she loved me unconditionally.  Then, she was gone and I didn't have "my person".  I didn't have "my person" to be my best friend, to lift me up and encourage me, to counsel me, to teach me and to love me unconditionally.  For a while after she died, I was lost.  Eventually, I found someone who could do all the things that she did for me and could do even more...GOD!  God became "my person"...He is always there for me and He loves me unconditionally.  And, I have learned to love Him too...not just for what He does for me, but for who He is.  My relationship with God is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me!  The worst thing that has ever happened to me resulted in the best thing that has ever happened to me.  My mother's death was, and still is, extremely painful, but it has forever changed me for the better.  So...what is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Would you like to go back in time and change that part of your life or would you keep that part of your life the same because it changed you for the better?

[On another side note, I hope I have not hurt anyone by posting this blog entry.  I really struggled with whether or not to post this entry because I was afraid that it would hurt some people.  I know that my mother's death and illness affected many people.  When my mother died, many people lost a great friend and someone they loved deeply.  Also, my mother suffered for many years and I'm not saying that the purpose of her suffering and death was so that I could grow closer to God.  Only God knows the purpose for her death!  I just know that there was something positive that did come out of her death...a stronger relationship between God and myself.]