Stirring the Sauce

I've always thought of myself as a klutz.  A day doesn't go by that I don't drop something, run into something or knock something over. My poor children have had multiple (minor) injuries from me stepping on them or bumping into them.   I have NEVER made cookies without burning at least one batch because I start doing something else and totally forget about the cookies in the oven until I smell the burning.  It wasn't until about two years ago that I realized that I'm not really a klutz or a bad baker...I simply cannot multitask. The reason I continuously run into things, drop things, burn things, etc...is because I'm rarely thinking about what I'm doing.  While I'm busy doing one thing, I'm thinking about the next thing that needs to be done.  I have trouble just being in the moment and focusing on one thing at a time.  I have trouble releasing control of my life and not worrying or planning every little thing, but I'm getting better.  The more I learn about God, the more I can release control and trust in His plan for my life.  The more I read His word and spend time with Him in prayer, the more I can keep a peaceful and eternal perspective in this chaotic world.  

One night as I was making spaghetti for my family, I was also thinking about the laundry I needed to get done, the school work that I wanted to complete, giving my daughter a bath. packing my lunch for the next day, what was on the schedule for the next day, etc... While this was a moment where I was just worrying about day to day things, there are many moments in my life when I worry about "bigger" things like money, my children (their safety, behavior, learning, salvation, health) my own health, my marriage, my friendships, etc...As I stirred the spaghetti sauce, I suddenly remembered a conversation we had in our small group about just thinking about one thing at a time and being in the moment.  We talked about how God desires for us to have peace and trust...He does not want us to waste our time worrying.   In that moment,  I put my trust in God and simply focused on stirring the sauce.  What freedom I felt!  There is freedom in releasing control and just being in the moment.  There is freedom in trusting God in all areas of my life.  There is freedom in knowing that I'm not a klutz or poor multitasker or bad baker...I am a precious, perfect child of God.  So, now when my life gets chaotic and I feel like a mess, I remind myself to simply "stir the sauce" and I feel free!

Mathew 6: 34--Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for each will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Fearless

     Did you know that one word can change your life?  The book One Word That Will Change Your Life by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton, and Jimmy Page inspires readers to make meaningful changes in their life by picking one word and applying it to their lives for one year.  At the beginning of the 2014-2015 school year, our principal challenged us to chose one word and apply it to our lives in school and outside of school.  On one of our first institute days, we watched a video and I have to admit I giggled about it and thought it was a little cheesy, but I went home and really thought and prayed about what my one word should be.  I had just started a new school year after a summer of struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety and I knew that I needed to pick a word that would inspire me to make some positive changes in my life.  I have struggled with anxiety in social situations with groups of people, particularly people I don't know very well.  I feel much more comfortable interacting with people one-on-one or when I really know people well.  I also have lots of anxiety about situations that are not planned out or structured  (I'm not very spontaneous).  As a result, I shy away from situations that cause me anxiety, but it often results in depression because I've realized that despite my anxiety I actually thrive from social interactions and relationships with other people. So, with all that in mind, I decided that I needed to work on conquering my anxiety and depression and become...FEARLESS.  So, I went back to school and announced that I was going to be fearless in the year 2014-2015.

     Then...a week later I got some news that rocked my world.  I was informed that due to low numbers of special education students in my building, I was being transferred to another school.   It might not sound like that big of a deal, but for someone who struggles with social anxiety, the idea of changing schools was slightly terrifying.  My immediate thought was to quit my job and be a stay at home mom because being with my kids never makes me feel anxious (it makes me feel all sorts of other emotions good and bad, but never anxious).  But...as I was thinking about being a stay at home mom, I was also hearing a voice in my head say, be "FEARLESS" and I realized that going to a new school was going to be my first step in a journey of becoming fearless.  So, I packed up my stuff and with sooooooo many butterflies in my stomach and so many prayers on my lips, I headed to my new school and...I survived. 

     Shortly after my transfer to a new school, I realized that I really needed to define what fearless meant to me.  I realized that being fearless, to me, meant that I was going to do what I wanted to do and what God was calling me to do, NOT what other people wanted me to do.  I also realized that I needed to figure out what I want to do.  Figuring out what I want to do doesn't sound like a difficult task, but I've spent so much of my life worrying about what others think that I didn't really know what I thought or what I wanted.  I still have a lot of work to do, but now... I know that I do thrive on social interactions and relationships with people...I know that I love music and dancing...I know that I love to make people laugh...I know that I love teaching...I know that I love encouraging others...and I know that I love to turn ordinary days into fun events with a theme. 

    I also needed to figure out what God was (and is) calling me to do on a daily basis.  This was also a difficult task that required me to read my Bible and pray, but pray by truly listening.  Through prayer and reading my Bible I now know that God wants me to put others first...I know that God wants me to be more available to my children and my husband...I know that God wants me to let go of my guilt and feel freedom in Jesus...and I know that God loves me even when I'm not fearless (yes, even though my one word is fearless, I'm not always fearless.  I still have times that I shy away from a situation that I know will make me feel anxious, but I pray and know that God loves me no matter what). 

     So...what's next?  I will be spending the summer with family and friends, building those relationships.  I will also be listening to lots of music and doing lots of dancing.  In addition, I will spend time making people laugh, teaching my children and other children, encouraging others and turning ordinary days into fun events with a theme (there has to be a theme).  I will also put others first, be more available to my children and husband, let go of my guilt and feel freedom in my relationship with Jesus.  I also recognize that I need to continue to read my Bible and pray so that God can guide me every day.  And, in the Fall, I will start a new teaching job at a new school...a school that is close to my home and close to my heart...a school that will allow me to be more available to my family...a blessing straight from God!  When I let go of my fear and my guilt for feeling that fear, I can recognize all the blessings from God that surround me on a daily basis...so many blessings.

     I know that fearless is not just a one-year-word for me...fearless is going to be a lifetime-word for me, but I'm ready...

Epic Fail

Most people have a morning routine.  My morning routine (during the week) looks something like this:  My alarm goes off at 4:30 AM and I immediately push "Snooze".  I talk to God and thank Him for another day and I ask Him for strength.  I then spend the next five to ten minutes trying to talk myself into getting up to work out.  Sometimes I get up and reset my alarm for 5:15...sometimes I get up and work out.  Then, I get ready and while I'm getting myself ready, I think about all the things I am going to accomplish that day (I am going to be a loving wife who spends quality time with my husband.  I am going to be a patient and loving mommy who doesn't yell at her children or let them watch too much T.V.  I am going to get to work on time.  I am going to finally make a breakthrough with that one student and he is going to follow expectations all day long and thank me at the end of the day for all I have done for him :)  I am going to take time to eat lunch with my friends [or just take time to eat lunch].  I am going to pick my children up early enough to get home and make a healthy dinner, give baths, finish laundry and still do an hour or two of paperwork for school the next day.)  Then, I wake my children up and we spend the next hour scrambling to get out of the door on time and my day NEVER goes as I had planned it in my mind and it has become an epic fail!  Some days come pretty close to the plan, but some days (like today) don't come close at all.  Today, I was supposed to joyfully drop my children off at school/daycare, attend a faculty meeting, be the best teacher I could be and get caught up on paperwork this afternoon because I didn't have any meetings scheduled, go grocery shopping and then relax at home in the evening.  But...when I went to get my daughter out of her crib this morning I could tell right away that she had a fever and an awful, raspy cough.  My first thought was not, "Poor baby...I'm so sorry you are sick."  My first thought was, "I don't have time for this today." and "I can't miss ANOTHER day of work."  I had a little fit and then I began making a new plan in my mind.  And an hour later, I had to make another new plan.  And a half hour later, I had to make another new plan.  And, I could let the cycle continue all day long...I could keep making plans and keep changing them, or...I could just take a deep breath and ask God to reveal His plan for my day.  His plan looks something like this:  look at the situation that is in front of you right in this moment, thank me for it and glorify me through it.  WOW...that is much simpler than my plan(s) for my day and much more doable. The truth is, I don't have any control over anything in this world and when I really think about that...it is actually a relief.  I'm not in control, but my Creator, my Savior, my Lord IS in control.  I don't need to accomplish all the things I think I need to accomplish each day in this world because He has overcome this world.  I may be failing on a daily basis to be everything to everyone all the time, but I am never a failure in God's eyes!  So...right now I see a little sick girl in front of me and I'm going to thank God for her and glorify Him by showing her His great love...an epic success!!!

A Happy Ending

About a month ago, a popular T.V. show ended its sixth season with a very UNhappy ending.  Facebook was full of posts about the ending to this T.V. show and so I decided to access my DVR and watch it so I could be "in the loop".  I was shocked, saddened and angry at the writers of this show.  I don't know why I was so shocked.  It seems like its becoming more and more popular to end T.V. shows and movies with endings that are definitely not happy.  The writers of T.V. shows and movies may feel like there are not always happy endings in real life, so why should there always be happy endings in screen life?  I get it!  Life is definitely not always happy...people get sick and die (even children), divorced, raped, shot in malls, movie theatres and schools, cheated on and robbed.  People suffer from mental illness, hunger, and many, many different kinds of diseases.  There are hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, fires and other natural disasters.  I could go on and on...life is definitely not always happy!  However, there is always a happy ending...there is a savior who died for our sins so we can have eternal life and it doesn't get any happier than that (For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~John 3:16).  If you are a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, no matter how unhappy things in this life become, you WILL have a happy ending.  In the mean time, this life will be unhappy and painful, but take comfort in the fact that God is writing your story and it will have a happy ending!

Thankful

    Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and I've had the pleasure of reading all the many things that people are thankful for on their Facebook posts.  I've decided to throw my hat in the ring :)

Here goes...

~I am thankful for a husband who is just a man (a great man, but just a man) because I know a God that provides for my every need and loves me completely.

~I am thankful for two amazing children who wear me down every single day because I know a God that lifts me up and always carries me.

~I am thankful for a job that's demands go beyond what I am capable of accomplishing on my own strength because I know a God that strengthens me and fills me with the same power that rose Jesus from the dead.

~I am thankful for friends and people in my life who are very different from me because I know a God that sent a savior to save ALL of us no matter how much we have in common.

~I am thankful for a body that gets broken, sick and tired because I know a God that heals and sustains me!

~And I am thankful for my chaotic crazy life that brings me to my knees on a daily basis because I know a God that I can cry out to and who is in control of everything!

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Back to School Blues

It all started about two weeks ago:  I began sleeping in late instead of waking up early to work out, I quit taking the kids out to play and instead hunkered down on the couch to watch T.V. while they played around me and I started picking fights with Jesse.  I realized at the end of last week that I was depressed and thought that my hormones were in full effect!  I thought to myself that this week would be better and I would start to feel like myself again, but this week has been even worse.  I have spent most of this week in my pajamas, eating lots of junk food and just feeling lousy.  It finally occurred to me that I had the "back to school blues".  At first I thought I was having anxiety about the job itself.  After all, teaching is not easy.  It is filled with challenges on a daily basis and as the years go on the challenges seem to get more and more, well, challenging.  So....I prayed and read scripture about anxiety and worry and not being afraid and I prayed some more and I felt better, but each time it was only temporary.  It wasn't until today that I realized the REAL reason for my depression.  I realized it while I was still wearing my pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon, having not showered since Tuesday morning (Ick!) and after consuming way too much sugar.  I had decided to get up off the couch and pick up the toys scattered around my living and dining rooms.  As I picked up the toys, I suddenly began to sob because I realized that the real reason I had been so sad was because I have spent the last two and half months with the most amazing kids and I am going to miss them like crazy.  I realized how much I complain and make jokes about my children when people ask my how my summer is going (I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable, just like my favorite character on Friends...Chandler).  I make jokes about my daughter who destroys everything, thinks it is funny when I'm mad at her and screams louder than anyone I have ever heard before, but I rarely talk about how incredibly sweet she is, how she gives the best hugs and kisses with a full on pucker and how she smiles constantly (unless I'm trying to take her picture and then she just gives me the deer in headlights look).  I make jokes about my son who is so slow to do anything, asks question after question after question and picks fights with his sister, but I rarely talk about how incredibly smart and insightful he is and how he has an amazing sense of humor.  I make jokes about how much I dislike picking up their toys, doing their laundry and making/cleaning up their meals, but I rarely talk about how those things are tiny inconveniences that come along with these great, big miracles in my life.  I make jokes about being happy to "get rid of them" for the school year, but it's just because I feel incredibly vulnerable about sharing them with others.  My kids are both very social and love being with other children, so I don't feel guilty about taking them to daycare/preschool...they truly enjoy it!  I also feel that I have been called by God to be a teacher and feel blessed to have a job where I can work with children, no matter how challenging it can be.  BUT...I feel vulnerable and sad about sharing these amazing children with other people....people who will love them and care for them, but won't ever truly love them the way I do....oh, it breaks my heart a little.  But, the good news is that I'm feeling better.  First of all, I took a shower (my husband will be so glad!).  Secondly, I sat down to write this blog entry and writing always makes me feel better.  But the thing that really made me feel better was a conversation I had with Logan.  I started to cry and tell him how sad I was because I was going to miss him so much when I went back to work and he just looked at me and said, "But, you are not at work now so you don't have to be sad." (Didn't I tell you he was insightful?!?!)  So...I will not let the "back to school blues" get me down anymore.  I will cherish every moment with my children and every moment without my children because they are all blessings straight from God and there is NOTHING depressing about that!

I'm an Imperfect Mom and That's Okay!

Last weekend I attended the National Hearts at Home conference. The conference itself is always amazing, but this year the theme was "No More Perfect Moms" based on Jill Savage's book by the same title.  I wept as she spoke on the topic.  She talked about how we are imperfect, but we are being perfected.  She spoke about the freedom that comes with embracing our imperfections and being honest about who we are opposed to being imprisoned by the persona of being "perfect".  Jill lovingly described motherhood as the "ministry of interruptions" and how we, as mothers, need to expect the interruptions and then we won't be disappointed or upset when things don't turn out the way we want them to (in fact, I've been interrupted approximately 10 times since I began typing this blog entry).  At the conference, Jill Savage went on to share personal imperfections about her own life and family.  Finally, she addressed the fact that social media perpetuates the desire to be "perfect" because we constantly compare ourselves to other people's families based on their happy Facebook statuses and perfect family pictures.  I found myself thinking about all the times I have cropped out my messy kitchen in the background of a picture of my kids or typed and then deleted and retyped a Facebook status so it sounded just right.  I thought about all of my imperfect mom moments and decided that it's time to get real and embrace my imperfections with all of you.  So, I have compiled some, but definitely not all, of my imperfect mom moments:

 1.  Last week, as I was cutting raspberries for Leah's breakfast, I cut her finger.  I didn't realize how bad it was until about 20 minutes later when we were both covered in blood.
2.  When Logan was a baby, he fell down the stairs and fell off my bed when I wasn't supervising him as closely as I should have been.
3.  I have bonked my children's heads on so many door frames as I have carried them around the house, always in a hurry and always trying to do too much at once.
4.  There are days when Logan watches way too much T.V. and spends way too much time on the iPad playing games.
5.  One night a few weeks ago, Jesse was gone and I was home alone with the kids.  I put Leah to bed and sat down to watch T.V.  I was about to head to bed myself when I remembered that Logan was in the basement watching T.V. and I forgot to put him to bed.
6.  When Leah was about 3 weeks old, I drove from the park to my house with Leah in her car seat, but not strapped in.
7.  I think Logan has probably gone up to 5 days without taking a bath before.
8.  I didn't breastfeed either of my children for as long as I wanted to breastfeed them because it was simply too hard while I was working.
9.  We turned Logan's car seat around to face forward before his first birthday.
10.  I didn't take Logan anywhere in public unless I had to from the age of 18 months to 2 1/2 because I was afraid he would have a meltdown.
11.  One day I told Logan to "leave me alone".  (He responded with : "You leave ME alone!")
12.  Multiple times I have told the children to be quiet so I can hear a T.V. show that I'm watching at the moment.
13.  I have taken Leah to daycare in her P.J.s.
14.  Logan has a diagnosis that causes his eyes to cross unless he is wearing his bifocal glasses and I have no idea what the name of it is...I think it starts with an "e"???
15.  I have watched things that I shouldn't watch on T.V. in front of my children. (Logan can hum the theme song to "How I Met Your Mother")
16.  There have been way too many nights of eating McDonalds or frozen pizza for dinner.
17.  I have hid candy and other junk food from my kids...not because I don't want them to eat something unhealthy, but because I don't want to share with them.
18.  Jesse and I didn't buy Logan any presents for his first birthday...we decided to spend our money on a trip to Mexico instead and we knew he wouldn't know any better.
19.  Sometimes I yell and yell and  yell some more, even when I know how ridiculous I sound, I just can't help myself.
20.  Sometimes, I fantasize about not having children.
21.  Maybe worst of all, I have judged other mothers for many of the above things.

There are many more, but some things I will keep just between me and God.

Now, I know some of you are thinking that I'm too hard on myself and some of you are thinking about calling DCFS, but please don't :)    Actually, I hope you had a laugh while you read some of them...I definitely had a laugh while I typed some of them.  I don't feel guilty about any of these things.  I just feel like I'm imperfect and that's okay.  It's okay because I'm being perfected and I am learning from my mistakes.  And, I have decided that my "perfect" moments definitely outweigh my imperfect moments:  our many dance parties, many moments snuggling, hugging and kissing, moments laughing so hard with my children that we cry, moments reading books together and playing games and moments of teaching them how to do something new.  I will never be "perfect" in my eyes or the eyes of the public, but I'm pretty sure I'm "perfect" in the eyes of my children...I can tell by their many smiles!  And, even when I'm not sure about how they feel about me, there are moments when they tell me (or, at least, Logan tells me, but I'm pretty sure Leah will when she learns to talk).  Not too long ago, I had a very hormonal day and I yelled all day long.  I was feeling pretty bad about it.  At bed time, I cried and apologized to Logan.  I asked him to forgive me and without hesitation he said, "Yes, I forgive you!"  I asked him how he could forgive me so quickly and he said, "Because I love you so much!"  I immediately thought about how God loves me so much and forgives me so quickly even though I don't deserve it.  The lessons I learn from my children go much deeper than learning how to be a better mother...I am learning about the love of Christ...a love that really is perfect! 

I am currently on Spring Break from school and despite the snow on the ground, the colds that my children have and the fact that my house is filthy, this has been the best few days because I'm embracing my imperfections and having fun, which actually makes it pretty "perfect"!

Perfect cuteness!

Imperfect kitchen (including the overflowing trash can that contains an empty cookie dough wrapper that I ate raw.)

Perfect love!

Imperfect stairs always covered with things to carry upstairs, but mostly I just step over them.

Perfect fun at the bowling ally with Aunt Kate!

Imperfect mess from the laundry basket full of clean towels that was never put away.

Perfect smiles?

Imperfect bathroom that didn't get cleaned up before I left for work in the morning.

Perfect moment caught on camera!

Imperfect bedroom garbage can overflowing with smelly pull-ups!

Another picture of the imperfect kitchen...it looks like this at least once a day!

Perfect strike!

Imperfect morning hair and face without make-up!