Back to School Blues

It all started about two weeks ago:  I began sleeping in late instead of waking up early to work out, I quit taking the kids out to play and instead hunkered down on the couch to watch T.V. while they played around me and I started picking fights with Jesse.  I realized at the end of last week that I was depressed and thought that my hormones were in full effect!  I thought to myself that this week would be better and I would start to feel like myself again, but this week has been even worse.  I have spent most of this week in my pajamas, eating lots of junk food and just feeling lousy.  It finally occurred to me that I had the "back to school blues".  At first I thought I was having anxiety about the job itself.  After all, teaching is not easy.  It is filled with challenges on a daily basis and as the years go on the challenges seem to get more and more, well, challenging.  So....I prayed and read scripture about anxiety and worry and not being afraid and I prayed some more and I felt better, but each time it was only temporary.  It wasn't until today that I realized the REAL reason for my depression.  I realized it while I was still wearing my pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon, having not showered since Tuesday morning (Ick!) and after consuming way too much sugar.  I had decided to get up off the couch and pick up the toys scattered around my living and dining rooms.  As I picked up the toys, I suddenly began to sob because I realized that the real reason I had been so sad was because I have spent the last two and half months with the most amazing kids and I am going to miss them like crazy.  I realized how much I complain and make jokes about my children when people ask my how my summer is going (I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable, just like my favorite character on Friends...Chandler).  I make jokes about my daughter who destroys everything, thinks it is funny when I'm mad at her and screams louder than anyone I have ever heard before, but I rarely talk about how incredibly sweet she is, how she gives the best hugs and kisses with a full on pucker and how she smiles constantly (unless I'm trying to take her picture and then she just gives me the deer in headlights look).  I make jokes about my son who is so slow to do anything, asks question after question after question and picks fights with his sister, but I rarely talk about how incredibly smart and insightful he is and how he has an amazing sense of humor.  I make jokes about how much I dislike picking up their toys, doing their laundry and making/cleaning up their meals, but I rarely talk about how those things are tiny inconveniences that come along with these great, big miracles in my life.  I make jokes about being happy to "get rid of them" for the school year, but it's just because I feel incredibly vulnerable about sharing them with others.  My kids are both very social and love being with other children, so I don't feel guilty about taking them to daycare/preschool...they truly enjoy it!  I also feel that I have been called by God to be a teacher and feel blessed to have a job where I can work with children, no matter how challenging it can be.  BUT...I feel vulnerable and sad about sharing these amazing children with other people....people who will love them and care for them, but won't ever truly love them the way I do....oh, it breaks my heart a little.  But, the good news is that I'm feeling better.  First of all, I took a shower (my husband will be so glad!).  Secondly, I sat down to write this blog entry and writing always makes me feel better.  But the thing that really made me feel better was a conversation I had with Logan.  I started to cry and tell him how sad I was because I was going to miss him so much when I went back to work and he just looked at me and said, "But, you are not at work now so you don't have to be sad." (Didn't I tell you he was insightful?!?!)  So...I will not let the "back to school blues" get me down anymore.  I will cherish every moment with my children and every moment without my children because they are all blessings straight from God and there is NOTHING depressing about that!