...but GOD CAN!

I am not a morning person!  If it were up to me, I would stay up late, sleep in until 8:00 AM, lounge in my pajamas for a couple hours and then take a mid-morning nap, but...I have a family and a job and a home, so...most mornings are much different than that.  My best days are the ones where I wake up early to work out, spend some quiet time with God and then get myself ready before my family wakes up.  In order to make that happen, my alarm goes off VERY EARLY and it is very difficult.  Until recently I would actually have to say to myself, "I can do this!"  But, a couple of weeks ago I was laying in bed telling myself, "I can do this" when I realized that I can't...I don't have the strength, but God does!  I can't do anything in this life without God.  I can't help my daughter overcome her fears, but God can!  I can't help that one student who isn't making any progress, but God can!  I can't heal all the hurting people around me and in the world, but God can! So, on the days when I feel defeated by all the sadness and hurting happening around me, on the days when I feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities, and on the days when I can't get out of bed, I will pray and trust and know that GOD CAN!!!

Bravery

For a while now I've been convinced that I should start writing again, but I wasn't sure where to start.  Over the past couple months, I have started several different blogs in my mind, but never got around to actually typing something...until today...

During much of my life, I have battled with anxiety.  When I was younger, new experiences that presented themselves were often moments where I was crippled with fear of the unknown...so much so that I often chose to keep to myself and not take any risks.  I was always afraid of getting hurt or being rejected.  As I grew up and became more independent, I realized that I needed to step into the unknown, despite my fears.  I found out that always being afraid and never putting myself out there led to a deep unhappiness.  I realized that I needed to take risks and commit to all the hard things that God was calling me to do.  I came to understand the true meaning of being brave...not letting fear hold me back from doing what I wanted to do and what I knew I should do. 

With each day that passes, I become braver and step out into the unknown a little more.  I still have anxiety when I'm about to do something for the first time or when I'm about to take a risk and I don't know how something is going to turn out, but I know in my heart that God doesn't want me to live in a bubble of fear.  He wants me to do what He is calling me to do and trust that He will be there with me through it all.  More recently, my risks have included serving at a new location for our church, leading the garden committee at our school, opening up and being honest with my colleagues about my struggles at my job and writing this blog post.  Some of those things may not seem like that big of a deal, but they have all been things that have caused me much anxiety over the past couple of months.  Despite that anxiety, I've been committed to doing the hard things, taking the risks and embracing my bravery. 

In addition to embracing my own bravery, I am committed to teaching my own children about being brave.  There have been so many times I've seen them hold back and not take a risk because of the fear of getting hurt or the fear of the unknown.  I especially see this with Leah.  She has this amazing spirit about her and she is so incredibly creative, but she has limited her experiences when she has been given a choice.  This summer, we repeatedly encouraged her to learn to ride her bike without training wheels.  She resisted over and over again until somehow we finally talked her into giving it a try.  I watched her sit on that bike with her whole body shaking in fear and then all of a sudden I watched her take off on two wheels, leaving the fear behind her.  I know it sounds silly, but it was one of the best moments of my parenting journey so far.  To me, knowing that she is learning to face her fears, step out in bravery and trust God at this age means that she (hopefully) will be open to trying many amazing opportunities and experiences as she gets older.  I want to say that I can't wait to see what God has in store for her and for Logan, but I'll try not to rush things too much...waiting and trusting in God's plan for each of them will be my next step of bravery!!!

Leah, age 6

Guilt Trip

Has anyone ever given you a guilt trip?  I am given a guilt trip on a daily basis...by myself!  I constantly feel guilty about not being a good mother, not being a good wife, not being a good friend, not doing enough around my home, not serving in my church enough, not working out enough, etc... I didn't even realize I was doing it until I was eating dinner with some friends last night.  I found myself continually talking about how guilty I felt and I also heard myself say, "That's no way to live!"  Wow...I didn't realize how heavy-hearted I had been feeling.  I came home and started reflecting on my feelings and my faith.  I started thinking about Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  They were so close to God until they started to believe the enemy's lies.  As soon as they believed the lies and sinned, they had to leave the garden and be separated from God.  I have also been believing the lies about who I am and I have been unknowingly separating myself from God.

About two summers ago, I adopted John 3:30 as my life verse (He must increase, but I must decrease.)  I've been focused on making my life more about Jesus and less about me...making my life about His desires and not my own.  I realized last night that there is another way to apply that very short (but important) verse to my life.  It's time for me to allow my joy in life to come from knowing Jesus and not from being a certain type of person.  When I am constantly thinking about how I'm not good enough, or should I say, when I am constantly believing the lies about how I am not good enough...I am still more fixated on myself than on Jesus and the joy that comes from truly knowing Him.  A few summers ago, I read a book by one of my favorite authors/speakers, Lysa Terkeurst.  In the book, I remember that she wrote, "Guilt bears no fruit."  That quote stood out to me at the time, but I'm not sure I truly understood it until today.  It's time to let go of the guilt and live in His glory!  Today, I'm feeling excited about making my life about His desires AND about allowing myself to feel the joy that comes from truly knowing my Savior! 

HE IS GREATER THAN i!

Lessons From My Children

What is the worst part of the day for you?  For me, it's the ten minutes I spend brushing/styling Leah's hair.  I've purchased and tried about five different kinds of brushes and three different kinds of detangler.  I've tried to have her stand up while I brush her hair and I've tried to have her sit down while I brush her hair.  I've tried to go super slow and I've tried to go super fast just to get it over with.  But, not matter what I've tried, she continues to scream and cry and I've continued to feel like the worst mom ever.  Some days I can remain calm until we get through it, but other times I have a difficult time keeping my negative emotions in check.  Yesterday was one of those mornings:  after the daily hair-brushing incident occurred, my anger took over and I did some yelling which was addressed to anyone and everyone in my path...not my proudest moment.  I went off to get something else done and came around the corner to hear Leah in the bathroom talking to herself.  I stopped outside the bathroom to eavesdrop and overheard this: "Dear God, Thank you for this day and thank you for my family.  I love you. Amen."  After wiping a few tears away, I went into the bathroom to give my daughter a much-needed hug!  I asked her what she was doing and she said, "I was talking to God...it's what I do when I feel stressed."  Of course!!!  Leah is four years old and she gets it...why is it that I am 37 years old and I still don't get it at times?  There are too many times where I let my anger take over and I do not react in a way that glorifies God.  There are too many times where the pressure to teach my children or the pressure to get things done seems to be a priority over my ability to let them teach me and let them help me get things done their way once in a while.  I can look back over the years and think of so many "WOW moments" where I gained a deeper understanding of faith, forgiveness, joy and love from my children.  We are far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other and I am so THANKFUL for them.  I pray that I can continue to learn lessons from them for many years to come and...that I can get Miss Leah a haircut appointment soon! 

My amazing children and my teachers!

Stirring the Sauce

I've always thought of myself as a klutz.  A day doesn't go by that I don't drop something, run into something or knock something over. My poor children have had multiple (minor) injuries from me stepping on them or bumping into them.   I have NEVER made cookies without burning at least one batch because I start doing something else and totally forget about the cookies in the oven until I smell the burning.  It wasn't until about two years ago that I realized that I'm not really a klutz or a bad baker...I simply cannot multitask. The reason I continuously run into things, drop things, burn things, etc...is because I'm rarely thinking about what I'm doing.  While I'm busy doing one thing, I'm thinking about the next thing that needs to be done.  I have trouble just being in the moment and focusing on one thing at a time.  I have trouble releasing control of my life and not worrying or planning every little thing, but I'm getting better.  The more I learn about God, the more I can release control and trust in His plan for my life.  The more I read His word and spend time with Him in prayer, the more I can keep a peaceful and eternal perspective in this chaotic world.  

One night as I was making spaghetti for my family, I was also thinking about the laundry I needed to get done, the school work that I wanted to complete, giving my daughter a bath. packing my lunch for the next day, what was on the schedule for the next day, etc... While this was a moment where I was just worrying about day to day things, there are many moments in my life when I worry about "bigger" things like money, my children (their safety, behavior, learning, salvation, health) my own health, my marriage, my friendships, etc...As I stirred the spaghetti sauce, I suddenly remembered a conversation we had in our small group about just thinking about one thing at a time and being in the moment.  We talked about how God desires for us to have peace and trust...He does not want us to waste our time worrying.   In that moment,  I put my trust in God and simply focused on stirring the sauce.  What freedom I felt!  There is freedom in releasing control and just being in the moment.  There is freedom in trusting God in all areas of my life.  There is freedom in knowing that I'm not a klutz or poor multitasker or bad baker...I am a precious, perfect child of God.  So, now when my life gets chaotic and I feel like a mess, I remind myself to simply "stir the sauce" and I feel free!

Mathew 6: 34--Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for each will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Fearless

     Did you know that one word can change your life?  The book One Word That Will Change Your Life by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton, and Jimmy Page inspires readers to make meaningful changes in their life by picking one word and applying it to their lives for one year.  At the beginning of the 2014-2015 school year, our principal challenged us to chose one word and apply it to our lives in school and outside of school.  On one of our first institute days, we watched a video and I have to admit I giggled about it and thought it was a little cheesy, but I went home and really thought and prayed about what my one word should be.  I had just started a new school year after a summer of struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety and I knew that I needed to pick a word that would inspire me to make some positive changes in my life.  I have struggled with anxiety in social situations with groups of people, particularly people I don't know very well.  I feel much more comfortable interacting with people one-on-one or when I really know people well.  I also have lots of anxiety about situations that are not planned out or structured  (I'm not very spontaneous).  As a result, I shy away from situations that cause me anxiety, but it often results in depression because I've realized that despite my anxiety I actually thrive from social interactions and relationships with other people. So, with all that in mind, I decided that I needed to work on conquering my anxiety and depression and become...FEARLESS.  So, I went back to school and announced that I was going to be fearless in the year 2014-2015.

     Then...a week later I got some news that rocked my world.  I was informed that due to low numbers of special education students in my building, I was being transferred to another school.   It might not sound like that big of a deal, but for someone who struggles with social anxiety, the idea of changing schools was slightly terrifying.  My immediate thought was to quit my job and be a stay at home mom because being with my kids never makes me feel anxious (it makes me feel all sorts of other emotions good and bad, but never anxious).  But...as I was thinking about being a stay at home mom, I was also hearing a voice in my head say, be "FEARLESS" and I realized that going to a new school was going to be my first step in a journey of becoming fearless.  So, I packed up my stuff and with sooooooo many butterflies in my stomach and so many prayers on my lips, I headed to my new school and...I survived. 

     Shortly after my transfer to a new school, I realized that I really needed to define what fearless meant to me.  I realized that being fearless, to me, meant that I was going to do what I wanted to do and what God was calling me to do, NOT what other people wanted me to do.  I also realized that I needed to figure out what I want to do.  Figuring out what I want to do doesn't sound like a difficult task, but I've spent so much of my life worrying about what others think that I didn't really know what I thought or what I wanted.  I still have a lot of work to do, but now... I know that I do thrive on social interactions and relationships with people...I know that I love music and dancing...I know that I love to make people laugh...I know that I love teaching...I know that I love encouraging others...and I know that I love to turn ordinary days into fun events with a theme. 

    I also needed to figure out what God was (and is) calling me to do on a daily basis.  This was also a difficult task that required me to read my Bible and pray, but pray by truly listening.  Through prayer and reading my Bible I now know that God wants me to put others first...I know that God wants me to be more available to my children and my husband...I know that God wants me to let go of my guilt and feel freedom in Jesus...and I know that God loves me even when I'm not fearless (yes, even though my one word is fearless, I'm not always fearless.  I still have times that I shy away from a situation that I know will make me feel anxious, but I pray and know that God loves me no matter what). 

     So...what's next?  I will be spending the summer with family and friends, building those relationships.  I will also be listening to lots of music and doing lots of dancing.  In addition, I will spend time making people laugh, teaching my children and other children, encouraging others and turning ordinary days into fun events with a theme (there has to be a theme).  I will also put others first, be more available to my children and husband, let go of my guilt and feel freedom in my relationship with Jesus.  I also recognize that I need to continue to read my Bible and pray so that God can guide me every day.  And, in the Fall, I will start a new teaching job at a new school...a school that is close to my home and close to my heart...a school that will allow me to be more available to my family...a blessing straight from God!  When I let go of my fear and my guilt for feeling that fear, I can recognize all the blessings from God that surround me on a daily basis...so many blessings.

     I know that fearless is not just a one-year-word for me...fearless is going to be a lifetime-word for me, but I'm ready...

Epic Fail

Most people have a morning routine.  My morning routine (during the week) looks something like this:  My alarm goes off at 4:30 AM and I immediately push "Snooze".  I talk to God and thank Him for another day and I ask Him for strength.  I then spend the next five to ten minutes trying to talk myself into getting up to work out.  Sometimes I get up and reset my alarm for 5:15...sometimes I get up and work out.  Then, I get ready and while I'm getting myself ready, I think about all the things I am going to accomplish that day (I am going to be a loving wife who spends quality time with my husband.  I am going to be a patient and loving mommy who doesn't yell at her children or let them watch too much T.V.  I am going to get to work on time.  I am going to finally make a breakthrough with that one student and he is going to follow expectations all day long and thank me at the end of the day for all I have done for him :)  I am going to take time to eat lunch with my friends [or just take time to eat lunch].  I am going to pick my children up early enough to get home and make a healthy dinner, give baths, finish laundry and still do an hour or two of paperwork for school the next day.)  Then, I wake my children up and we spend the next hour scrambling to get out of the door on time and my day NEVER goes as I had planned it in my mind and it has become an epic fail!  Some days come pretty close to the plan, but some days (like today) don't come close at all.  Today, I was supposed to joyfully drop my children off at school/daycare, attend a faculty meeting, be the best teacher I could be and get caught up on paperwork this afternoon because I didn't have any meetings scheduled, go grocery shopping and then relax at home in the evening.  But...when I went to get my daughter out of her crib this morning I could tell right away that she had a fever and an awful, raspy cough.  My first thought was not, "Poor baby...I'm so sorry you are sick."  My first thought was, "I don't have time for this today." and "I can't miss ANOTHER day of work."  I had a little fit and then I began making a new plan in my mind.  And an hour later, I had to make another new plan.  And a half hour later, I had to make another new plan.  And, I could let the cycle continue all day long...I could keep making plans and keep changing them, or...I could just take a deep breath and ask God to reveal His plan for my day.  His plan looks something like this:  look at the situation that is in front of you right in this moment, thank me for it and glorify me through it.  WOW...that is much simpler than my plan(s) for my day and much more doable. The truth is, I don't have any control over anything in this world and when I really think about that...it is actually a relief.  I'm not in control, but my Creator, my Savior, my Lord IS in control.  I don't need to accomplish all the things I think I need to accomplish each day in this world because He has overcome this world.  I may be failing on a daily basis to be everything to everyone all the time, but I am never a failure in God's eyes!  So...right now I see a little sick girl in front of me and I'm going to thank God for her and glorify Him by showing her His great love...an epic success!!!

A Happy Ending

About a month ago, a popular T.V. show ended its sixth season with a very UNhappy ending.  Facebook was full of posts about the ending to this T.V. show and so I decided to access my DVR and watch it so I could be "in the loop".  I was shocked, saddened and angry at the writers of this show.  I don't know why I was so shocked.  It seems like its becoming more and more popular to end T.V. shows and movies with endings that are definitely not happy.  The writers of T.V. shows and movies may feel like there are not always happy endings in real life, so why should there always be happy endings in screen life?  I get it!  Life is definitely not always happy...people get sick and die (even children), divorced, raped, shot in malls, movie theatres and schools, cheated on and robbed.  People suffer from mental illness, hunger, and many, many different kinds of diseases.  There are hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, fires and other natural disasters.  I could go on and on...life is definitely not always happy!  However, there is always a happy ending...there is a savior who died for our sins so we can have eternal life and it doesn't get any happier than that (For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~John 3:16).  If you are a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, no matter how unhappy things in this life become, you WILL have a happy ending.  In the mean time, this life will be unhappy and painful, but take comfort in the fact that God is writing your story and it will have a happy ending!

Thankful

    Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and I've had the pleasure of reading all the many things that people are thankful for on their Facebook posts.  I've decided to throw my hat in the ring :)

Here goes...

~I am thankful for a husband who is just a man (a great man, but just a man) because I know a God that provides for my every need and loves me completely.

~I am thankful for two amazing children who wear me down every single day because I know a God that lifts me up and always carries me.

~I am thankful for a job that's demands go beyond what I am capable of accomplishing on my own strength because I know a God that strengthens me and fills me with the same power that rose Jesus from the dead.

~I am thankful for friends and people in my life who are very different from me because I know a God that sent a savior to save ALL of us no matter how much we have in common.

~I am thankful for a body that gets broken, sick and tired because I know a God that heals and sustains me!

~And I am thankful for my chaotic crazy life that brings me to my knees on a daily basis because I know a God that I can cry out to and who is in control of everything!

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Back to School Blues

It all started about two weeks ago:  I began sleeping in late instead of waking up early to work out, I quit taking the kids out to play and instead hunkered down on the couch to watch T.V. while they played around me and I started picking fights with Jesse.  I realized at the end of last week that I was depressed and thought that my hormones were in full effect!  I thought to myself that this week would be better and I would start to feel like myself again, but this week has been even worse.  I have spent most of this week in my pajamas, eating lots of junk food and just feeling lousy.  It finally occurred to me that I had the "back to school blues".  At first I thought I was having anxiety about the job itself.  After all, teaching is not easy.  It is filled with challenges on a daily basis and as the years go on the challenges seem to get more and more, well, challenging.  So....I prayed and read scripture about anxiety and worry and not being afraid and I prayed some more and I felt better, but each time it was only temporary.  It wasn't until today that I realized the REAL reason for my depression.  I realized it while I was still wearing my pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon, having not showered since Tuesday morning (Ick!) and after consuming way too much sugar.  I had decided to get up off the couch and pick up the toys scattered around my living and dining rooms.  As I picked up the toys, I suddenly began to sob because I realized that the real reason I had been so sad was because I have spent the last two and half months with the most amazing kids and I am going to miss them like crazy.  I realized how much I complain and make jokes about my children when people ask my how my summer is going (I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable, just like my favorite character on Friends...Chandler).  I make jokes about my daughter who destroys everything, thinks it is funny when I'm mad at her and screams louder than anyone I have ever heard before, but I rarely talk about how incredibly sweet she is, how she gives the best hugs and kisses with a full on pucker and how she smiles constantly (unless I'm trying to take her picture and then she just gives me the deer in headlights look).  I make jokes about my son who is so slow to do anything, asks question after question after question and picks fights with his sister, but I rarely talk about how incredibly smart and insightful he is and how he has an amazing sense of humor.  I make jokes about how much I dislike picking up their toys, doing their laundry and making/cleaning up their meals, but I rarely talk about how those things are tiny inconveniences that come along with these great, big miracles in my life.  I make jokes about being happy to "get rid of them" for the school year, but it's just because I feel incredibly vulnerable about sharing them with others.  My kids are both very social and love being with other children, so I don't feel guilty about taking them to daycare/preschool...they truly enjoy it!  I also feel that I have been called by God to be a teacher and feel blessed to have a job where I can work with children, no matter how challenging it can be.  BUT...I feel vulnerable and sad about sharing these amazing children with other people....people who will love them and care for them, but won't ever truly love them the way I do....oh, it breaks my heart a little.  But, the good news is that I'm feeling better.  First of all, I took a shower (my husband will be so glad!).  Secondly, I sat down to write this blog entry and writing always makes me feel better.  But the thing that really made me feel better was a conversation I had with Logan.  I started to cry and tell him how sad I was because I was going to miss him so much when I went back to work and he just looked at me and said, "But, you are not at work now so you don't have to be sad." (Didn't I tell you he was insightful?!?!)  So...I will not let the "back to school blues" get me down anymore.  I will cherish every moment with my children and every moment without my children because they are all blessings straight from God and there is NOTHING depressing about that!

I'm an Imperfect Mom and That's Okay!

Last weekend I attended the National Hearts at Home conference. The conference itself is always amazing, but this year the theme was "No More Perfect Moms" based on Jill Savage's book by the same title.  I wept as she spoke on the topic.  She talked about how we are imperfect, but we are being perfected.  She spoke about the freedom that comes with embracing our imperfections and being honest about who we are opposed to being imprisoned by the persona of being "perfect".  Jill lovingly described motherhood as the "ministry of interruptions" and how we, as mothers, need to expect the interruptions and then we won't be disappointed or upset when things don't turn out the way we want them to (in fact, I've been interrupted approximately 10 times since I began typing this blog entry).  At the conference, Jill Savage went on to share personal imperfections about her own life and family.  Finally, she addressed the fact that social media perpetuates the desire to be "perfect" because we constantly compare ourselves to other people's families based on their happy Facebook statuses and perfect family pictures.  I found myself thinking about all the times I have cropped out my messy kitchen in the background of a picture of my kids or typed and then deleted and retyped a Facebook status so it sounded just right.  I thought about all of my imperfect mom moments and decided that it's time to get real and embrace my imperfections with all of you.  So, I have compiled some, but definitely not all, of my imperfect mom moments:

 1.  Last week, as I was cutting raspberries for Leah's breakfast, I cut her finger.  I didn't realize how bad it was until about 20 minutes later when we were both covered in blood.
2.  When Logan was a baby, he fell down the stairs and fell off my bed when I wasn't supervising him as closely as I should have been.
3.  I have bonked my children's heads on so many door frames as I have carried them around the house, always in a hurry and always trying to do too much at once.
4.  There are days when Logan watches way too much T.V. and spends way too much time on the iPad playing games.
5.  One night a few weeks ago, Jesse was gone and I was home alone with the kids.  I put Leah to bed and sat down to watch T.V.  I was about to head to bed myself when I remembered that Logan was in the basement watching T.V. and I forgot to put him to bed.
6.  When Leah was about 3 weeks old, I drove from the park to my house with Leah in her car seat, but not strapped in.
7.  I think Logan has probably gone up to 5 days without taking a bath before.
8.  I didn't breastfeed either of my children for as long as I wanted to breastfeed them because it was simply too hard while I was working.
9.  We turned Logan's car seat around to face forward before his first birthday.
10.  I didn't take Logan anywhere in public unless I had to from the age of 18 months to 2 1/2 because I was afraid he would have a meltdown.
11.  One day I told Logan to "leave me alone".  (He responded with : "You leave ME alone!")
12.  Multiple times I have told the children to be quiet so I can hear a T.V. show that I'm watching at the moment.
13.  I have taken Leah to daycare in her P.J.s.
14.  Logan has a diagnosis that causes his eyes to cross unless he is wearing his bifocal glasses and I have no idea what the name of it is...I think it starts with an "e"???
15.  I have watched things that I shouldn't watch on T.V. in front of my children. (Logan can hum the theme song to "How I Met Your Mother")
16.  There have been way too many nights of eating McDonalds or frozen pizza for dinner.
17.  I have hid candy and other junk food from my kids...not because I don't want them to eat something unhealthy, but because I don't want to share with them.
18.  Jesse and I didn't buy Logan any presents for his first birthday...we decided to spend our money on a trip to Mexico instead and we knew he wouldn't know any better.
19.  Sometimes I yell and yell and  yell some more, even when I know how ridiculous I sound, I just can't help myself.
20.  Sometimes, I fantasize about not having children.
21.  Maybe worst of all, I have judged other mothers for many of the above things.

There are many more, but some things I will keep just between me and God.

Now, I know some of you are thinking that I'm too hard on myself and some of you are thinking about calling DCFS, but please don't :)    Actually, I hope you had a laugh while you read some of them...I definitely had a laugh while I typed some of them.  I don't feel guilty about any of these things.  I just feel like I'm imperfect and that's okay.  It's okay because I'm being perfected and I am learning from my mistakes.  And, I have decided that my "perfect" moments definitely outweigh my imperfect moments:  our many dance parties, many moments snuggling, hugging and kissing, moments laughing so hard with my children that we cry, moments reading books together and playing games and moments of teaching them how to do something new.  I will never be "perfect" in my eyes or the eyes of the public, but I'm pretty sure I'm "perfect" in the eyes of my children...I can tell by their many smiles!  And, even when I'm not sure about how they feel about me, there are moments when they tell me (or, at least, Logan tells me, but I'm pretty sure Leah will when she learns to talk).  Not too long ago, I had a very hormonal day and I yelled all day long.  I was feeling pretty bad about it.  At bed time, I cried and apologized to Logan.  I asked him to forgive me and without hesitation he said, "Yes, I forgive you!"  I asked him how he could forgive me so quickly and he said, "Because I love you so much!"  I immediately thought about how God loves me so much and forgives me so quickly even though I don't deserve it.  The lessons I learn from my children go much deeper than learning how to be a better mother...I am learning about the love of Christ...a love that really is perfect! 

I am currently on Spring Break from school and despite the snow on the ground, the colds that my children have and the fact that my house is filthy, this has been the best few days because I'm embracing my imperfections and having fun, which actually makes it pretty "perfect"!

Perfect cuteness!

Imperfect kitchen (including the overflowing trash can that contains an empty cookie dough wrapper that I ate raw.)

Perfect love!

Imperfect stairs always covered with things to carry upstairs, but mostly I just step over them.

Perfect fun at the bowling ally with Aunt Kate!

Imperfect mess from the laundry basket full of clean towels that was never put away.

Perfect smiles?

Imperfect bathroom that didn't get cleaned up before I left for work in the morning.

Perfect moment caught on camera!

Imperfect bedroom garbage can overflowing with smelly pull-ups!

Another picture of the imperfect kitchen...it looks like this at least once a day!

Perfect strike!

Imperfect morning hair and face without make-up!

Defriended

I found out a couple weeks ago that I have been "defriended" by some people on Facebook because of my Christian beliefs.  At first I was very hurt and saddened by this.  These people are people that I was very close to at one time in my life.  These are people that I thought I would still be close to if I lived near them.  It was no surprise to me that they didn't believe in the same things that I believed, but it was a surprise to me that they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore because of it.  I have never meant to offend or hurt anyone, I just feel called to share the incredible love I have found in Jesus Christ.  I don't judge people who are different than me, I just love them.  I am surrounded by people everyday who are very different than me and I don't always understand why they do what they do, but I still love them and I learn from them.  Being surrounded by people who are different than me helps me to grow as a person.  So, please don't "defriend" me just because you disagree with me.  I accepted your friend request because I enjoy reading your status updates and seeing pictures of you and your family.  I have grown as a person because of you...I have learned to appreciate new things because of you...I have smiled and laughed because of you.  Thank you for being you! I love you!

Jesus Chair

What causes you to feel anxiety or fear?  For me, it is public speaking.  I can sit down and write and write and write, but the moment I have to share something out loud, with a group of people, I stumble over my words, my voice shakes and my palms sweat.  I've heard that it is a common fear among Americans.  Unfortunately, I often have to face my fear on the job.  A big part of my job is sitting in meetings and sharing information about students with parents and colleagues.  So, when I look at my calendar and see an upcoming meeting, I begin to have lots of anxiety.  Days before the meeting, my nerves will begin to affect how I react to my husband and children...I will be cranky and "on edge".  And, shortly before the meeting, I will feel the butterflies in my stomach.  So, one day when I read my daily devotional book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, and she addressed the issue of anxiety, I felt like she was speaking directly to me.  She mentioned envisioning anxiety-provoking events and picturing Jesus being the center of those events.  Picture Him right there in the midst of your fearful circumstance....picture Him sitting next to you...picture Him holding your hand...picture Him holding you up!  He is there...always has been and always will be!  Today, I was speaking with a friend about her anxiety and some upcoming meetings for her job.  I was sharing Sarah Young's wise words about anxiety and picturing Jesus in those meetings.  She told me that she was going to leave a chair empty at the meeting table and reserve it for Jesus.  What a cool idea!  I think I might start doing the same thing and not just at work...in my home, in my car...wherever I go, I will reserve a seat for Jesus and I will make him the center of my anxiety-provoking event.  Because he will be sitting in his "Jesus Chair", I will not stumble over my words, my voice will not shake, my palms will not sweat and I will not fear!

What's New with the Bowmans?

At least once a day my kids do something that makes me reach for my camera to record it in a video or picture.  The other day I tried to take a picture and my camera said, "Memory Card Full"...a polite reminder to upload some pictures and update my blog :)  So, here's what's new with us:

Leah:

Oh my!  She is so sweet, but so sassy!  She is constantly on the go.  She crawls all over and she is into everything.  Leah loves to laugh, squeal and "talk".  She loves her taggy blanket and she sucks her thumb to calm herself down and fall asleep (just like her brother).  She smiles CONSTANTLY! We love her so much and we can't wait to see how she develops.

Logan: 

Logan just turned 4 and he loves to inform us of that fact. Over the summer we noticed that he was crossing his eyes when looking at things close up.  We took him to the eye doctor and we were informed of the fact that he is far-sighted.  He has been wearing glasses for about a month now and we are only on the second pair (Can you sense my sarcasm?).  He loves going to daycare and church to play with friends.  His teacher at church thinks he is going to be a preacher when he grows up and I believe it.  He loves reading his Bible and last week he said he wanted to ride in a rocket ship to go to Heaven to meet Jesus.  He also loves playing games, reading books, and playing with trains and cars.  He has a great sense of humor and he makes us laugh on a daily basis.  He also loves his sister and loves to make her laugh.  Sometimes I look at him and I wonder to myself, "Who is this little boy?  It seems like just yesterday that he was a baby!"  I couldn't ask for a better son!

Jesse:

Jesse is busy, busy, busy!  In April, he was promoted to manager of the service department at the dealership where he works.  He is also very busy playing the drums in his band, Last Call.  They have been playing in and around our town three or four times a month.  He also serves at church by playing the drums with the worship team a couple times a month.  We have season tickets to University of Illinois football again this year and Jesse has been to several games.  He is still an Illini fan despite their terrible performance this year.  He LOVES his children and they light up when they see him.  He is an incredible father and we are all blessed to have him in our lives.

Erin:

I have also been quite busy with work, small group and just keeping up with my kids and home.  I am enjoying my job and some extra responsibilities this year.  I often feel like I go to work to get a break :) The kids keep me busy and I'm usually worn out by lunch time on days when I am with them all day, but I love them more than words and I am honored to be their mother.  I have been blessed with an amazing small group at church and I love getting together with them and growing together with them.  I don't get to spend nearly enough time with Jesse, but I guess that makes our time together even more special.  I have enjoyed going to football games with him this year, but some of my favorite moments are spent sitting on the couch with him and watching something on TV that makes both of us laugh.  I feel incredibly blessed and...

LIFE IS GOOD!

Logan, Ryder (cousin) and Leah with Grandma Bowman

Logan and Ryder making play dough cookies

Leah likes chicken legs!

Silly Spiderman (thanks to Shelly, Logan and Leah's daycare provider)

Leah is a daddy's girl

Logan's 4th birthday celebration at the pumpkin patch (with Ryder and friend, Chloe)

Cowboy Logan

Logan and Ryder are BFFs

Fun with leaves

Watchin' TV in his "tent"

Carving pumpkins with Grandpa Myers

Logan's creations

Enjoying a visit from Auntie Sue and...

...auntie Jackie

Leah was Eeyore for Halloween

Logan was a pirate for Halloween

4th of July weekend fun with Ryder

Hangin' with grandpa

Reading books together

My favorite kiddos

Logan driving the Batmobile with Grandma Bowman

Our first Illini game

Tailgating fun with Lesley

Picture time at half-time

Silly kids!

The Bowmans (on my birthday at the White Oak Winery)

Future drummer!

She knows what to do when she sees the camera...CHEESE!

Tailgating at the Illinois game

Love this guy!

Tailgating fun!

All dressed up for church

Leah really needs a haircut!

The Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened to You

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?  Would you like to go back in time and change that part of your life or would you keep that part of your life the same because it changed you for the better?

Today, in church, the pastor said that often the worst thing that has ever happened to you can actually be the best thing that has ever happened to you....WHAT?!?!?  How can that be?  The sermon was about Rachel and Leah and their tragic love story of being married to the same man and being in a constant competition with each other.  The pastor said that the marriage between Rachel, Leah and Jacob was probably the worst thing that happened to each of them, BUT great things came out of this marriage...their children.  Their children went on to do great things and their children's children went on to do great things and so on and so on.  A terrible situation brought about great things because God always has a plan for us. 

I began thinking about the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it would have to be the death of my mother.  My mother passed away, after a long battle with cancer, when I was 26 years old.  She was my best friend, my counselor, my personal cheerleader, my teacher and my role model.  She was all those things to me and then she was gone.  She was not at my wedding and she was not there when my children were born.  My children will never get to sit on grandma's lap, get spoiled by grandma or bake cookies with grandma (just kidding, if you knew my mom...she was definitely not a baker, but I know she would have tried for my kids).  They will not know my mom in this lifetime.  [On a side note, my children are extremely blessed to have an amazing grandma in Jesse's mom and I thank God for her and her strong relationship with them.]  So, I guess you could say that the worst thing that has ever happened to me would be the death of my mother.  Could it also be the best thing that has ever happened to me?  The answer is YES!  Like I said, she was my best friend, my counselor, my personal cheerleader, my teacher and my role model.  She was "my person".  She was the first person I turned to when I needed to talk about anything...good or bad.  Even when she was extremely ill, she was always there for me.  She never let me down and she loved me unconditionally.  Then, she was gone and I didn't have "my person".  I didn't have "my person" to be my best friend, to lift me up and encourage me, to counsel me, to teach me and to love me unconditionally.  For a while after she died, I was lost.  Eventually, I found someone who could do all the things that she did for me and could do even more...GOD!  God became "my person"...He is always there for me and He loves me unconditionally.  And, I have learned to love Him too...not just for what He does for me, but for who He is.  My relationship with God is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me!  The worst thing that has ever happened to me resulted in the best thing that has ever happened to me.  My mother's death was, and still is, extremely painful, but it has forever changed me for the better.  So...what is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Would you like to go back in time and change that part of your life or would you keep that part of your life the same because it changed you for the better?

[On another side note, I hope I have not hurt anyone by posting this blog entry.  I really struggled with whether or not to post this entry because I was afraid that it would hurt some people.  I know that my mother's death and illness affected many people.  When my mother died, many people lost a great friend and someone they loved deeply.  Also, my mother suffered for many years and I'm not saying that the purpose of her suffering and death was so that I could grow closer to God.  Only God knows the purpose for her death!  I just know that there was something positive that did come out of her death...a stronger relationship between God and myself.]

Typos

It has been a long time since I have posted.  It has been so long, in fact, that I decided to go back and reread previous posts because I couldn't remember what I had written.  As I read, I was shocked by the number of typos/mistakes that I found.  I was so shocked because I really dislike typos (I think it's the teacher in me) and I know I had proofread those entries at least five times each.  Actually, I proofread anything I write (even my text messages) because I really dislike typos.  I almost went back into each blog entry and corrected my typos/mistakes, but then I stopped myself and began wondering how I could have possibly published those blog entries with so many mistakes when I proofread each entry at least five times.  I realized that I had been so caught up in my thoughts that I wasn't able to think clearly about spelling and grammar.  I began to think about times in my life when I was so caught up in my current situation and how it was so hard to see clearly.  There have been so many times that I have been in the middle of a struggle and I have been unable to really think clearly about things.  On a daily basis, I struggle with life.  I have small struggles, medium-sized struggles and really big struggles.  Through the really big struggles, I have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I have trouble understanding God's purpose for the struggle.  I focus on the pain, frustration, anger, hurt, loneliness, etc... that I might be feeling at that moment instead of focusing on God's plan for me with that particular struggle.  In the midst of the struggle, I don't think clearly!  When the suffering finally goes away, I can see clearly.  I can see that that particular struggle was actually a blessing...a blessing that brought me to my knees...a blessing that changed my relationship with my Father...a blessing that brought me closer to Him.  I wouldn't have the relationship with God that I have today if it weren't for the suffering that I have endured.  The daily struggles that bring me to my knees have a purpose and the purpose is not to think about how I could have done things differently to avoid suffering and have a perfect life...the purpose is to grow closer to God.  So, I have decided that I will not go back and correct my typos/mistakes and have perfect blog entries.  Instead, I will leave them be and use the time it would have taken me to fix the mistakes to praise God and thank Him for all He has given me!

Strength

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.-Philippians 4:13

People used to say that I was a strong person. I think they watched me as I lived with my mother, my best friend, fighting cancer for seven years and then pass away in 2005. They saw me "keep it together" on the outside. The truth is, I may have seemed strong on the outside, but I was a mess on the inside. For years, I battled depression and I made poor choices in an attempt to win the battle. I had meltdowns on a daily basis and I begged God to make my life easier. Now, seven years later, I have all new struggles...raising two children, balancing work and family life, losing weight, being a Godly wife, being responsible with finances, taking care of a home, etc... Within the last year, I realized that these struggles are actually blessings that force me to grow in my faith and lean on God. I quit praying for God to change my children, to make my workload lighter, to take away the extra weight I carry around, to change my husband, to help me win the lottery, etc... I have learned to ask God to give me the strength I need to be the mother He wants me to be, to make the right choices when it comes to balancing my work and my family life, to make good food choices and to exercise, to be the wife He wants me to be, to make good choices with my money, etc...

My daughter is six weeks old today and people keep asking me how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, and my response up until now has been, "It's much easier the second time around.", but who am I kidding? Parenting is not easy! The truth is, it's not easier this time around, it's just as hard and I have been surprised every day that goes by that I don't have a curl-up-in-my-bed-and-cry-myself-to-sleep-meltdown like I used to have until the other day when I looked down at my right hand and read the Bible verse that is on a ring that a wear every day: I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.-Phil. 4:13. I realized why I'm not having meltdowns and why things seem easier. I have been asking God for strength and He has been answering my prayers over and over again. So, from now on, when people ask me how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, I will say..."STRONG!"

The End is Near, But It's Just the Beginning!

Well, I made it...almost! I'm 38 weeks pregnant and about to give birth any day now and man, am I ready! People keep saying, "I can't believe how quickly it has gone by!" And I keep saying, "Are you crazy...it feels like I have been pregnant FOREVER!" People laugh and think I'm exaggerating, but it really feels like I've been pregnant forever...I can't remember what it feels like to not be pregnant. At my last doctor's appointment (a week ago) I was told that I'm already 3 centimeters dilated and 90% effaced and that I would probably have this baby within the week. I spent the next 48 hours frantically preparing things at school for my abrupt departure. After that 48 hours, all I could think was "I'm ready! Let's get this show on the road." After the next 48 hours and still no baby, all I could think was "I'm angry...I want to meet my daughter and I want to meet her now!" Every contraction and pain brought hope, but every time it wasn't followed by more contractions and more pain I felt defeated (ironic, huh?). This last 48 hours has been filled with acceptance and new understanding. My way and my plan is not necessarily God's way and God's plan and that's okay. In fact, that is better than okay...it's AWESOME! God has a plan for this child...He has had a plan for her long before I even had a plan for her and I am just blessed to be a part of it. This morning, I just finished reading Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas. I have been reading this book for a long time because during my pregnancy every time I tried to sit down and read I would fall asleep. But, I finally finished it this morning and the timing was perfect. Gary Thomas ends the book by enforcing the idea that our children are not our children...they are God's children. What an amazing gift! How selfish it was of me to expect that gift earlier than He is wanting to give it to me. I would never go up to a friend a week or two before my birthday and say, "Okay, I'm ready for you to give me my birthday gift and if you don't give it to me right now, I'm going to throw a fit!" Which is exactly what I had been doing all weekend...throwing a fit in my mind. I'm still desperate to be done being pregnant and to begin my next journey, but I'm accepting God's plan for His daughter and waiting for the moment when he tells me He needs me to step up and accept my calling, my "sacred calling" of being a parent!

The Best Christmas Gift a Mom Could Ask For

One of the best things about being a teacher is all the days off: 3 months during the summer, 2 weeks at Christmas time, Spring break and all the holidays in between. So, I was very excited about starting my 2-week break from work until I found out I had to spend the first day of my vacation at the hospital getting lab work done. Fortunately, I was able to drop Logan off at daycare and I headed to the hospital at 8:00 in the morning for what was going to be a 3-hour procedure. A week earlier, I had failed my initial glucose screening that tests for Gestational Diabetes and I was ordered by my doctor to fast overnight, drink this really awful tasting drink and then have my blood taken 4 times within a 3-hour period (pure torture for a pregnant lady!). I tried to look at the positive aspects of the experience...3 hours all to myself, time to read my book and get some school work done, time to people watch :) and time to relax and enjoy the live Christmas musibeing played on the piano in the lobby of the hospital, but the longer I sat there, the grumpier I got. I was nauseous and hungry and tired and cold...I just wanted the whole thing to be done so I could go home and eat something and take a nap. At about 2 1/2 hours into the procedure, I heard a noise that would have made me very uncomfortable in the past...a newborn baby crying. In the past, hearing the sound of a newborn baby crying made me uncomfortable because I just knew that that poor mom must be exhausted and frustrated, but on that day, the first thing I did when I heard that baby crying was smile. I even surprised myself how comfortable I felt with that sound coming from the other side of the waiting room. All I could think about was how lucky she was to have that baby and what a blessing that baby must be to her family. And, then I thought about my own family and how lucky and blessed we are to be expecting this baby girl. During this entire pregnancy, I have had this feeling that something is wrong with the baby. I think it is partly because I am a special education teacher and I'm surrounded by kids that have disabilities and I can't help but think about all the things that could be "wrong" with this child. But, hearing that baby cry and feeling myself smile, reminded me that it doesn't matter what this child looks like, acts like or thinks like...this child is a child created by God and it is my job to glorify God through the parenting process. I feel so blessed to have this job! After all this realization in a hospital waiting room, I went in for my final blood draw and was greeted by a different nurse than the one who had been taking my blood earlier in the day (I soon found out that she was put there to take my blood for a reason). Somehow she started telling me about her grand kids...she has two older grand kids (in their teens) and twins who are 9 years old. One of the older grand kids is deaf and one of the twins has cerebral palsy. The nurse went on to tell me that her daughter had had the two older children and was finished having children and so she had decided to have her tubes tied, but when she went in for the procedure she found out she was pregnant instead...with twins!!!! The doctors had told her that the twin daughter with cerebral palsy would never walk or talk, but she does both just fine and she actually gets better grades in school than her twin brother. What an amazing gift God had given that family! I walked out of that hospital with a different attitude...not because I had some time to myself, not because I had gotten a bunch of school work finished, not because I finished my book I was reading and not because of the beautiful holiday music. I walked out of that hospital with a different attitude because I felt so blessed to be a parent and I was bubbling over with excitement about meeting my baby girl in a few months...the best Christmas present I could ever ask for!

(By the way, I passed my glucose test with flying colors...phew! I also had an ultrasound and doctor's appointment yesterday and baby girl is doing great!)